Okay baby, check it out. Here at practicallyserious.com I get a lot of questions regarding relationship advice. As well I should. One question I’ve been getting a lot of lately is this: “Hey Prac, what does it mean when a guy calls you baby?” And it’s true. Oftentimes a dude will refer to his lady friend as “baby” when the couple is about to make out. As in: “Oh baby…” or “I love you baby” or “baby I love your way.”
Well, I’ve been getting this question at least twice a day and I think it’s high time I cracked the case.
8 Reasons Your Boyfriend Calls You “Baby”
1. He’s not actually calling you baby. He is not even talking to you at all. He is talking to the grimacing baby just behind you sitting on the nightstand. Where it came from I have no idea, but that’s what’s happening.
2. It’s a Freudian slip—deep down he thinks you act like a baby. A literal baby. A Gerber baby. Maybe you flop your arms around too much. I guess try to stop flopping your arms so much.
3. He wants you to know that you smell like a baby. Try to improve your hygiene bathroom-wise.
4. He is making fun of you for wearing Huggies diapers instead of lace underwear for the fourth Valentine’s Day in a row. It’s a real buzz kill. Please stop.
5. He’s not talking to you. Not directly, anyway. You just happen to be in the same general area is all. You see, he’s talking to the zygote currently growing inside your uterus. The minute he found out he was going to be a father you have been demoted in his eyes to “organic baby house.” It’s totally uncool, sure, but at least he loves the baby.
6. He’s simply under the impression you are literally a newborn baby. He thinks you’re a mutant, out-of-proportion newborn baby that just happens to resemble a grown-up woman. He’ll be the first to admit that the relationship is wrong and illegal and highly controversial, but he’s been taught to always follow his heart and in a way he enjoys going against the grain. “Eh, let them talk!” he says.
7. He is not calling you baby. He’s calling himself baby, referring to himself in the third person like Frankenstein’s monster or Arnold Schwarzenegger. But he’s also totally dyslexic. So instead of “Baby love you,” you get “Love you, baby.”
8. He thinks your name is “Baby,” not Margaret. This is because every time he says “Hey Baby, what did you do with my tighty whiteys?” you simply tell him what you did with his tighty whiteys instead of saying, “Hey stupid, my name ain’t ‘Baby.'”
This post is the long awaited “baby” of my most visited post ever “8 Reasons My Keep Their Eyes Open When Making Out With Women.” Check it out.
Readers: Need any relationship advice? Leave any and all questions in the comment section—I may feature it in an upcoming post!