Knowing What I Know Now, I’d Become a Fourth Grade God

bastion and falcor

Having your adult knowledge and wit in fourth grade would be akin to having your own Falcor.

I’ve already talked about my thoughts on the back-to-school season. Here’s the Cliff Notes: I think it stinks, even if you no longer have any connection to a public or private school system. Just the vibe stinks. That summerkilling vibe.

But today’s Daily Post writing prompt posits an interesting question: What if I were magically 10 years old again via the Tom Hanks-rejuvenating genie in the movie Big, and was therefore about to return to school? But with an adult’s mind? How would I feel about that?

Let’s jump right into this: I’d feel pretty good about this scenario. I’d have none of the back-to-school jitters I had back then, because this time around I would use my grown-up knowledge and wit to run the place. I’d have no fear of hard/mean teachers or being friendless or anything—I could deal with it all! I’d be a popular whiz kid. Every question the teacher asks? Hand raised. Answer right.

I’d soon isolate the power players amongst my peers and I’d recruit them to my society. I’d do this by helping them with their homework, and by demonstrating for them my athletic prowess in gym class. I’d climb that knotted rope all the way to the tippie top and slap my hand against the ceiling. I’d be a God.

Elementary school gym class, by the way, isn’t about how strong you are or how skilled at kick ball you are. At that age it’s simply about believing in yourself. No kid is that much stronger or faster than the next kid. It’s about who thinks they’re stronger and faster.

For example, you might think you suck at playing dodge ball, but the second you overhear one of the pale nerd kids cry to his friend, “Oh no! Bill Carson’s got the ball! Run!” Suddenly you forget how much you sucked and now you’re a dodgeball-playing Terminator. You have arm strength and targeting accuracy you’d never known you had. All from a little hint that at least somebody thinks you’re good.

I would use this confidence technology to rule my fourth grade class in a way that simply wasn’t possible back in 1992. I’d be running that joint. Skittles and potato chips and square cafeteria pizzas would be strewn at my feet, in exchange only for my friendship and protection and technical assistance. I’d be so much better at using my smartphone than the kids are. I’d be the go-to guy for smartphone/computer troubleshooting.

One thing I wouldn’t have is access to all the same X-Box video games as the other kids. I don’t have an X-box and I don’t really play video games, or if I occasionally do, they’re not the kind of video games the kids would dig. So this would be the one kink in my armor, just as it was back in 1993, except back then it was a regular Nintendo Entertainment System. Because you’re either part of the club or not.

Overall, I’m confident that I could be confident as a forth grader with an adult mind. As is the case throughout every stage of your life, unwarranted, narcissistic belief in yourself is more than half the battle.

Readers: How would your adult knowledge inform your Fourth grade lifestyle?

Check out the original writing prompt here:

Read my related post: Why Back-to-School Season Sucks for Everybody




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7 Responses to Knowing What I Know Now, I’d Become a Fourth Grade God

  1. Doobster418 says:

    A 12-year-old in 4th grade? That would mean you would have been held back for two years. Some god you would have been!

  2. Carlos Cunha says:

    The climbing rope isn’t about getting to the top. Virtually, nobody can do it.
    It is about trying despite knowing you won’t make it and maybe getting a little higher each time.

  3. Yep, not so sure. I’d probably still be socially awkward and just as bad at math.

  4. List of X says:

    Yeah, but can you still keep your power by 9th grade, when you get to high school and those HS seniors think of themselves as kings of the realm and have few inches and 30 pounds of muscle over you?

    • Bill Carson says:

      9th grade I’m toast, adult brain or no. In fact, I can’t even guarantee my powers will hold out through the entirety of 5th grade. Fourth grade, though, should be a cakewalk.

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