Next time you go to Dunkin Donuts, here’s what you do. You buy the coffee and/or doughnut you went there to buy in the first place, and then you tell the guy, “Oh yeah, and throw three glazed chocolate munchkins in there. Why the hell not, right?” Then pay. Then leave. Then, in your car, before you even sip your coffee, eat those little babies one by one. This is basically how you prime your engine for the coffee and/or full sized doughnut.
Chocolate glazed munchkins are the best. They just are. I’m pretty sure the glaze is made out of crack. I’m salivating as we speak. Something about the weight and the moist-yet-crumbly texture and the flakiness of the sugary glaze. And the fact that they’re so small you can hardly feel feel guilty about them. Even if you eat three of them, that’s like half a regular doughnut. And they’re cheap. Asking the Dunkin Donuts dude to toss a few extra in there feel just like asking the Chinese Food lady to drop some extra packets of soy sauce into the bag.
I used to have this awesome ritual with a co-worker of mine. Every time either one of us went to the nearby Dunkin Donuts for whatever reason, we’d have the dude drop an extra chocolate glazed munchkin in there. Then, upon returning to work, the buyer would present the extra munchkin to the other person like Dr. Feelgood. It would be the best treat—an unscheduled chocolate glazed munchkin. And seriously, just one was enough to make the person delighted as hell. Just needed a fix is all.
I’m telling you, “munchkin padding” can become addictive. I mean, if you’re in Dunkin Donuts anyway, the sin has already been committed. Even if you’re not there for a doughnut, you’re there for some of that signature Dunkin Donuts coffee, loaded with cream and sugar. All that sugar turns to fat, just so you know (because some people don’t). Therefore, what harm can one or three extra chocolate glazed munchkins do? You’re already jumping off the cliff, might as well enjoy the fall!
Just watch out for munchkin anomalies.
Last time I was at a Dunkin Donuts a munchkin anomaly took place. I ordered a coffee and then I delivered my trademark line, “Eh, you know what? How bout throw three chocolate glazed munchkins in there too? Why the hell not, right?” It was a simple order. The dude went to the basket shelf with the chocolate glazed and got confused and looked at me and said something that sounded like, “Chocolate glaze three?”
With some hesitation, I nodded my head and said, “Yes. All three chocolate glaze.”
Then I watched as he put two chocolate glazed into the bag and two regular glazed. Never once during the entire ordering process did I say anything about regular glazed. And never did I mention the number 2—as a rule, I always deal exclusively with odd numbers. But the man was clearly drunk or tired or not-awesome-at-English or something, and I wasn’t about to make things worse by engaging in a complicated redirect/reorder procedure.
I figured I could deal with 2 chocolates and 2 regulars, even though it’s one more munkchin than I’d planned for. Still cheap and not-too-bad-for-me either way. Yes, the mass of four munchkins certainly approaches the mass of a full doughnut, but it’s not quite there yet. If it’s doughnut territory at all, it’s a dwarf doughnut and not a full doughnut, in the same way the Pluto is merely a dwarf planet. So I just smiled and nodded and paid and left the store wondering if I was the latest victim of a munchkin padding scheme that preys on the meek.
But when I got to my car and fully inspected the munchkin anomaly, I found that the munchkin count was actually three chocolate glazed and two regular. That’s five munchkins total, when I’d originally only ordered three. And you know what else? The receipt only accounted for four munchkins. The receipt said two chocolates and two glazed, which wasn’t what I’d originally ordered, nor was it what was even in the bag! It was madness. Complete munchkin madness!
I wondered, Was the dude trying to hook me up? This particular dude is weirdly popular with the store’s clientele—this I have witnessed before. Slappin’ people five and stuff like that. Maybe he had too many regular glazed and he was going to throw them out anyway, so that’s why he dropped those into the bag on top of the chocolates I’d ordered. Cool, but then why did he charge me for four doughnuts when he should have charged me for three, with two extra free ones.
Again, it was munchkin madness. I decided it was best to simply eat the evidence and move on with my life. Which I did.
What’s your favorite kind of munchkin’s, Readers? And if you don’t have access to official munchkins, what are your thoughts on chocolate glazed doughnuts in general?