Anatomy of a Milk Pilferer

milk carton

“Oh he’ll never notice—it’s still practically FULL!”

We’ve all been there. A big-ass bowl of Cheerios ready to go. You poured half the friggin box into the massive porcelain bowl. You’re hungry as a horse. And then you pop open the refrigerator and you realize you had forgotten to buy more milk the last time you were at the store. There’s a big brand new bottle of milk in there, yes, but it’s not yours. It’s your roommate’s. He’s not even here right now. He’s away for the weekend.

So what do you do?

If you’re like anybody else alive, you shrug your shoulders and help yourself to some of your roommate’s milk. I mean, it’s just one little serving of milk, right? It’s basically a brand new bottle; even after you steal the milk, the bottle will still basically look full! Your roommate probably won’t even notice anything’s gone. And if he does, you can always come clean and pretend you’d forgotten to tell him you pilfered some milk.

So you go ahead and pilfer the milk.

Now you’ve done it! Now you’ve done it! You’ve set off a chain reaction that will soon result in the murder and cover-up of your roommate’s milk bottle. Yes, that’s right. By the end of the day, before your roommate returns from his/her weekend getaway, you will have murdered and hidden that very bottle of milk.

Don’t think you’re capable of milk murder? Don’t think you’d be able to rationalize stealing every last bit of your roommate’s milk, and then hiding the carton like one of the freakin Goodfellas? Well I got news for you: we’re all potential milk murderers, so long as the circumstances line up just right. Don’t believe me? Check it out…

Timeline Leading Up to Total Milk Pilfering and Coverup:

  • 8:05 am: Subject rationalizes stealing a small amount of Roommate’s milk for his Cheerios, due to the fact that the bottle is basically full anyway. Roommate won’t even notice!
  • 8:10 am: Subject finishes first round of Cheerios, but there’s still a bunch of milk leftover in the bowl. So what Subject does is dump in more Cheerios to make everything nice and even. But now there’s way more Cheerios than milk, so Subject goes to the refrigerator and borrows even more of Roommate’s milk. Afterwards, there’s still plenty of milk in the bottle, but you can definitely tell somebody’s been pilching from it.
  • 11:45 am: Subject makes himself a ham sandwich. But there’s nothing to drink. Except, of course, Roommate-milk. Subject studies the milk bottle for a few minutes, trying to rationalize stealing more milk. Finally, Subject shrugs shoulders, concluding that it’s already obvious that somebody’s been drinking the milk. Why not steal just a little more and then simple come clean when Roommate returns. Offer to buy a new carton, perhaps? Subject smiles and takes the milk.
  • 2:03 pm: There’s still nothing to drink in the house, and the day is getting hot. Now that Subject has decided to offer to buy Roommate a new carton of milk, Subject figures current carton of milk is now his property. Subject pours a nice huge glass of milk and chugs it. Now the milk carton is only about 20 percent full.
  • 5:40 pm: There’s still nothing to drink in the house, so Subject goes to the kitchen and pours another massive glass of milk. Chugs it. Now the milk carton is only about 5 percent full. Basically empty.
  • 5:41 pm: Subject looks at mostly empty carton and decides to just drink the rest of it. Why leave just a little, right? Subject chugs the rest of the milk directly out of the carton. Subject burps. Subject places the empty carton back in the refrigerator as a sort of IOU for the roommate.
  • 5:42 pm: Subject looks at the empty carton of milk in the refrigerator. Subject starts to smile like a creepo. Subject thinks about how if Subject disposes of carton completely, Roommate may not even remember Roommate ever had a brand new carton of milk. Roommate will just see an empty refrigerator. Roommate has a busy life and will probably not specifically remember buying that particular bottle of milk. What Roommate doesn’t know won’t hurt Roommate.
  • 5:44 pm: Subject crumples up empty milk carton and drops it directly into the recycling bin out by the curb, Goodfellas style.
  • 7:45 pm: At this point, Subject has completely forgotten about the whole episode and is Netflixing Twin Peaks season 2.

How bout you, Reader? Even murder a carton of milk? Here’s your change to come clean!

For another milky Cheerios article, check out If Cereal Bowl and Toilet Bowl Can Work Together, So Can We.

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7 Responses to Anatomy of a Milk Pilferer

  1. Okay, so assuming that 11:45 was supposed to be am and not pm, this would be spanning a nearly 12 hours cycle. For God’s sake, just go out and buy something to drink!!

  2. Doobster418 says:

    Subject should get up off his lazy ass and go to the convenience store at the corner and buy himself a freaking carton of milk.

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