The other day I got to wondering what would happen to our country if everyone wore his/her pants super high like Clint Eastwood. At first I figured nothing much would change. Just a lot of people walking around looking like Clint Eastwood. A lot of finger-pointing and snickering.
Then I decided to try it out. I looked in the mirror and pulled my pants way high like Clint, or even like Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. What I saw shocked me: I just couldn’t help but marvel out how ridiculous I looked. I felt that if any female, for whatever reason, had ever found me somewhat attractive and/or interesting, she’d stop immediately immediately if I were a high-pantser.
There’s just nothing sexy or attractive or hip about being a high-pantser. Having reached this conclusion, I modified my initial hypothesis re: what would happen to the world if everyone wore high pants. Now I believe the following events would happen…
11 Things That Would Happen if Everyone Wore Their Pants High
- The U.S. population would begin to nosedive. Fewer unplanned pregnancies due to the eradication of sexiness. Much less temptation.
- The U.S. divorce rate would skyrocket. Your spouse’s unflattering high pants would be the last straw in marriages that were ill-advised in the first place (aka: half of them).
- Belt sales would increase. It would be hard to keep your pants’waistline at a respectable altitude without added support. We’re fighting gravity here, people.
- Schoolyard bullying would briefly increase, and then decrease once the bullies remembered they, too, were wearing high pants.
- There would have to be a new high-pants standard for older folks, like Clint Eastwood. He would now need to wear his pants up to his nipples in order to maintain his preferred degree of high-pants separation.
- Pants manufacturers like Levis and Wrangler would have to make their pants at least 20 percent longer in the leg in order to compensate for the higher waists. This would require, of course, 20 percent more denim, which would, in turn, raise overall costs by a whopping 20 perfect. Expect an initial wave a layoffs, thus hampering an already-shaky economy.
- Men would slowly start to go sterile, thanks to the heaved-up pants crotch. This would exacerbate the already-catastrophic population decline.
- Marshall law would have to be declared and enforced due to so many people trying to gain an advantage by surreptitiously inching their pants downward every once in a while. Shots would be fired.
- Leather Mad Max Gangs of high pantsers would form in order to protect the People from the stifling, overbearing military presence. Bodies would be hung upside down from bridges.
- The Leather Mad Max gangs of high pantsters would break into a top secret Omaha missile silo in a desperate attempt to harvest some enriched plutonium, which would give them a edge in the arms race with the other high pants gangs. But they won’t know how to properly extract the material, and will instead set off a chain reaction that would blow half the country off the face of the earth.
- The explosion would fling the Statue of Liberty through the air. It would land on a beach.
What do you think, Reader? Pretty accurate, eh? Did I miss anything? Read my short fiction about a retired secret agent who wears his pants high.