Don’t get me wrong. Ben Affleck as the new Batman totally makes sense to me. Mainly because I believe, like the brilliant producers of the upcoming film Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, that “he’s got the chin for it.” Which is all that matters. His chin is solid. It’s got a cleft and everything. Little bit of stubble, not too much. And it’s big. Hell, the thing’s so massive it freaking weighs down Ben’s entire jaw. That’s why he never quite closes his mouth after delivering lines.
I mean, playing Batman can’t be so hard in the first place. Doesn’t exactly require method acting. It’s pretty straight forward stuff for an actor. I’m pretty sure you just have to be able to jut your chin forward at the right moments. Like when you’re about to say a line or something? Jut the chin. And make sure it’s fully lit by the lights behind the camera.
Seriously, that’s about it. There’s nothing complex about Batman. There’s nothing in his backstory that would require any kind of nuance or finesse on the part of the actor. He’s a straightforward guy, Bruce Wayne—what you see is what you get. As long as the actor can jut his million-dollar chin, stand with good posture, and avoid laughing during takes, everyone involved in the production will be happy.
But here’s the thing. As much as I agree that Ben Affleck has the chin for the job, I also believe that there are even better choices out there. Why not shoot for the moon, right? There’s actors with just a little more acting range than Affleck, and with even better chins.
Yes, that’s right, I’m thinking about the Easter Island heads. Basically any one of them will do. Drape a bat cowl over one and freaking roll cameras. Easter Island Head has quite a few advantages over Ben Affleck when it comes to playing Batman. Check it out…
Advantages to Re-Casting Batman with an Easter Island Head
- Easter Island Head was never in Daredevil.
- Easter Island Head doesn’t leave his mouth open after delivering lines.
- Easter Island Head has similar acting range to Ben Affleck.
- Easter Island Head wouldn’t complain about the batsuit being too tight.
- Easter Island Head is 43% more threatening than Ben Affleck.
- Easter Island Head was never in Gigli
- Easter Island Head doesn’t command a big salary
- Easter Island Head doesn’t mistake a Boston accent for “acting.”
- Easter Island Head is always available for reshoots.
See what I mean? Ben Affleck’s good, but Easter Island Head is better. And, in light of Ben Affleck’s recent complaining on set about being slightly too fat for the batsuit, perhaps it’s not too late to nip this thing in the bud and recast the roll. I’m sure at least one of the Easter Island Heads will take the call.
What do you think, Readers? Who would make the better Batman? Ben Affleck or Easter Island Head?