A leaked recording of Britney Spears singing her song “Alien” without autotune made the rounds yesterday, and, trust me, it’s a worth a listen. Especially if you like the sound of dying cats or fingernails on chalkboards. The non-autotuned version of the song, which Britney’s people claim represents a kind of warm up exercise, sort of confirms what everybody has already known for many years: that Britney Spears can’t sing. If she were trying to make it today via the popular American Idol career trajectory, she likely wouldn’t even make it past the gruesome “audition” round. They’d cut her off mid-song.
But maybe I’m jumping to conclusions a bit unfairly. After all, this is only the first such non-autotuned Britney recording to escape Britney’s handlers. Not like there’s a whole bunch of them. So how about let’s try and give her the benefit of the doubt. Just this one time. After all, there are plenty of alternative explanations for the discordant vocals heard in this recording.
5 Alternative Explanations for Britney Spears’ Non-Autotuned Voice
- It’s not that Britney’s singing out of tune. It’s that the rest of the world is hearing her out of tune. Basically, the entire planet sucks at listening; we cannot hear thing in key to save our lives. Which, actually, would perfectly explain Britney’s initial meteoric rise in the first place.
- Britney was conducting a controlled, scientific experiment to see how much bad singing it would take to crack and/or shatter the nearby window. The results being: it takes the song “Alien.”
- Britney was conducting research for a company that manufactures Autotune Devices. She was merely testing the absolute limits of a new autotune device. The device, of course, shorted out almost immediately. Sparks and everything.
- The voice heard in the recording is not Britney Spears at all. It is a 13-year-old boy named Ralph. He’d won some kind of contest and got to pretend he was Britney Spears for a day.
- Britney placed a bet with her recording engineer that she could sing the entire song, “Alien,” without hitting a single note on key. I’m happy to report: she won 20 bucks.
Okay, you’ve waited long enough. Check out the Britney Spears “Alien” song without autotune. Check it out quick before they take it down.
I don’t want you to think I just pick on girl pop stars. See what I think of Justin Bieber in 9 Reasons Men Should Pee Sitting Down