Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got the knowledge. I how to lose weight eating ice cream. And no, this isn’t another one of my weird play-on-word posts where I start pretending I’m about to tell you how to lose body-fat weight and then suddenly reveal I’ve been talking about misplacing 15-pound dumbbells or something. I’m really talking about eating ice cream, and losing weight while you do it. Pretty much, anyway.
It’s something I picked up from my father, who, ironically, is a major junk food hound and cares not about the aesthetic consequences associated with unapologetic sweet-tooth indulgence. He invented this method with the same selfish energy I myself used when inventing my trademarked concept of “selfish sharing.” But nevertheless, his technique is quite sound. If you bear with me, I’ll share it with you.
Here’s the thing. I’m not going to tell you to avoid eat ice cream altogether, because you’re going to eat it anyway. If I tell you to not eat it at all, and you knowingly disobey me, you’ll end up in a self destructive free fall and probably get the nastiest, fattiest brand you can find. No. I know you’re going to get it anyway, so let’s start from there. I will suggest what type of ice cream you get, because you can’t freaking completely have it your way. Having it your way is probably how you put on those extra pounds in the first place.
Okay, let’s get started.
- Buy low-fat ice cream or, better yet, frozen yogurt. Yes, compared to full-fat nasty ice cream this stuff’ll initially taste like slush water, but you’ll get over the disappointment by your third serving. I promise you you’ll forget what you were missing. This is a major secret to losing weight in general—the power of forgetting what you are missing. I’ll probably do a whole post on this later on during my month of extreme blogging. And hey, while I’m here, let me also suggest you give up soda. No more soda ever! Not even diet. Just drink water. This may seem a bit narcissistic to you, but trust me, in a day or two you’ll start to forget what you were missing.
- Okay. So you bought some less-fatty ice cream. Nice. I can’t believe you listened. Okay, the next step—and probably the most important one—is to walk over to the aisle where they sell chocolate-dipped ice-cream cones and buy a box. Or even buy two boxes. Chocolate dipped ice cream cones are crucial to this whole enterprise. I suppose they don’t have to be chocolate-dipped, but you need these cones to be super desirable. You have to get a sense of “I can’t wait to eat these freaking things” from them.
- Now that you got the ice cream and the box of cones in your hand, go to the cash register and pay for them and leave the store. Say “Have a great day” even if you don’t mean it. Go home. Go into your kitchen. Put the ice cream and the box of cones on the kitchen table and just look at them until we get to step 4 and I give you further instructions.
- Okay, we’re here. Here comes the big secret. Are you ready? Get a cone out and stand it on the table. That is to be your ice cream receptacle. DO NOT get a massive cereal bowl out of the cabinet—the secret to losing weight while you eat ice cream is to use the sexy-looking chocolate-dipped ice cream cone to police your portion control. If you use a big wide cereal bowl as your ice cream receptacle, you are going to end up eating way more ice cream than you need to. Plate-size and bowl-size are major factors when it comes to portion control. We have a tendency to want to “fill them up.” I’m talking four, five, six scoops of ice cream. Even a small bowl would be too dangerous, because you’ll subconsciously want to compensate for it “being too small” by slam dunking an extra scoop or two of ice cream on top. Avoid bowls altogether. Use sexy-cone portion control.
- Open the ice cream. Fetch your ice cream scooper thing. Scoop two scoop-fulls worth of ice cream into your cone. Don’t build a Carvel tower of ice-cream. Make it look more like an extra-big snow cone or something. Then put everything away where it needs to go, and then enjoy your ice cream cone.
- No, the ice cream won’t magically zap away your stores of fat, but by implementing portion control, you will be reducing your potential fat gains. One cone of low-fat ice cream a day is infinitely better for you than the mountain of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream you were going to shovel down your face. Reducing potential fat gains is exactly as good as losing fat. Why? Because you were going to eat ice cream anyway. Guaranteed. If you accept and embrace this, you can lose weight by eating ice cream in a more controlled, logical way. And remember: the cone has to be sexy.
For another funny food article, check out How to Successfully Hide a Bag of Oreos From Your Spouse.