How an Idiot Can Predict What the Market Will Do

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By following just a few simple steps, even an idiot can figure out exactly what the market will do.

How Even an Idiot Can Predict What the Market Will Do, Every Time

It doesn’t have to be rocket science. Just because Tom, Dick and Harry studied marketing and macro-economics at their fancy universities, that doesn’t automatically give them the ability to accurately predict what the market’s going to do three weeks from now. Those fancy diplomas of their’s don’t mean squat when it comes to the ever fickle, noncommittal marketplace. No. We’re all starting from the same place here. All you need to do is follow these simple steps, and you’ll know exactly what the market’s going to do.

Idiot’s Guide to Knowing What the Market’s Going to Do

  1. When you get off work—if you have a job in the first place, which you probably don’t—go home and take a shower and get dressed in clean clothes. Brush your teeth and kiss your wife and kids goodbye. Hop in the car. Turn it on. Oh yeah, make sure you had the keys.
  2. Drive on over to the market. The market might be closed if this is Sunday, so don’t go on Sunday. When you get there make sure not to park you car in a handicap spot unless you belong there.
  3.  Go inside the market and look around for hanging banners and/or whiteboard signs which detail any current or upcoming sales promotions. Write them down in a little mini-notebook. Oh yeah, make sure you have a little mini-notebook. And pen.
  4. Next, go to a friendly looking clerk and ask it where the manager is. Write down its answer so you don’t forget it. Even if it’s just “He’s over there by the thing.” You might still forget it. Trust me.
  5. Go over to there by the thing and tap on the manager’s shoulder. Do this gently or else you’ll scare the manager. Keep tapping until the manager finally turns around and looks at you.
  6. Ask the manager: “Excuse me. Could you tell me if you guys are going to be doing any special promotions or anything in the next couple of weeks? Anything you can think of will help. Thank you in advance for your time.”
  7. Write down whatever the manager says. If he says there might be a sale on Mangos in a week-and-a-half, write that down in your mini-notebook. If he says they might be doing a full inventory for corporate in five days, write that down too. That’s good stuff. Write anything down he says.
  8. Say goodbye to the manager and go back outside and get in your car and turn it on. Drive home. Make a u-turn in your driveway and go back to the market because you’d dropped your mini-notebook somewhere. Hopefully you find it. Because if you don’t, you won’t know what the market’s going to do. Okay, bye.

Click the link for another fun play on words.

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