5 Better Reasons Not to Stick a Knife in a Toaster

knife-in-toaster

Forget about electrocution—there are better reasons to abstain from sticking a knife in a toaster.

Yeah yeah yeah. Everybody knows what happens when you stick a knife in a toaster—you could totally electrocute yourself. Yet for some folks the possibility of electric shock is still not reason enough to abandon their knife-in-toaster lifestyles. For some people, the remedy for a stubbornly slow-cooking Eggo waffle (besides waiting) is to stubbornly jab at said Eggo with a knife until it toasts faster.

Big mistake. Valued reader/toaster stabber—it’s time to repent! If you’ve ever even considered sticking a knife into a toaster, for any reason, this article is sure to electrify.

5 Better Reasons Not to Stick Knife in Toaster

1.) You shouldn’t stick a knife in your toaster because there may be something living in there. If you violently jab a knife in there you could impale and kill said thing. Obviously, impaling a toaster-dwelling thing is bad news. A bloody, murdered baby rat is much harder to evict from your toaster than a live one would be. You’d have to sort of fish its body out with chopsticks or salad prongs. There’d be blood everywhere. Disease. Plague. You’d have to totally rinse the toaster out with water before it’s safe to cook with again.

2.) Don’t stick a knife in your toaster because there could be a piece of toast inside that, thanks to a chance pattern in its partially burnt surface, features the unmistakable profile of Joel Osteen. Do you know how much something like that could be worth? Holy crap! And if you jab a knife in there and hack the Olsteen toast to an unrecognizable mess, the bottom sort of drops out vis a vi it’s ultimate value to collectors. Joel Olsteen Toast can happen at ANY TIME. Don’t throw away your lottery ticket before you check the winning numbers.

3.) You shouldn’t stick a knife into your toaster because it may be the wrong place to stick the knife at that particular moment. What if, for instance, there’s a home intruder coming at you from behind with a billy club?  The guy’s coming at you from behind with a billy club and you start stabbing the toaster? I mean, COME ON!

4.) Don’t stick a knife in a toaster because you could be in the Twilight Zone, and therefore giving in to your personal character flaw is only going to get you in big trouble. Perhaps Rod Serling has decided to inflict some poetic justice on your ass. After a lifetime of callously stabbing innocent kitchen appliances, you are about to reap what you sew. Suddenly: abracadabra. Now you ARE the toaster and, up above in the world of the kitchen, you see a big human approaching you with a sharp knife in hand. It’s clear what he’s about to do. And then, right before he plunges his knife into your toast-slots, you realize that big mean man is YOU.

5.) You shouldn’t stick a knife in your toaster because it might not even be plugged in, stupid. And here you are stabbing the thing like a complete idiot. Your spouse will see this and lose even more respect for you. Even she knows you’re supposed to plug in the toaster before you stab it.

_____

Click the link if you’re still planning on putting a knife in a toaster. It may just save your life!

And don’t be like this numbnuts:

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7 Responses to 5 Better Reasons Not to Stick a Knife in a Toaster

  1. List of X says:

    Or the toaster just might stab you at night, when you’re asleep.

  2. ginjuh says:

    If I sell the Joel Osteen toast I’ll give you a 20% cut of the profits. Thought-provoking stuff.

    • Bill Carson says:

      Thanks! I’m sure we’ll both come out on top. Just make sure you don’t confuse him for the very similar Gary Shandling burnt-toast silhouette profile, which is worth less.

  3. I can’t thank you enough. I’ve been looking for my hamster for DAYS. And now I’ve found him. Unfortunately, the electric shock killed us both and I am writing this from Heaven, where God has shaken his head disdainfully – almost tiredly – at me, and said ‘Did you not watch that video on YouTube? Idiot’.

    • Bill Carson says:

      I’m sorry to hear about your loss, and, even though you’re already dead, there’s a lesson here. There’s a solid chance you’re going to be ironically reincarnated as a hamster, and, if so, you’re going to want to avoid toasters.

  4. Pingback: Fara cutite in toaster

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