Want to save some money on your next electricity bill? Well, it’s not gonna happen by simply reading and re-reading all those generic “make your home more energy efficient” articles on the Internet. If you’ve read one you’ve read them all; they just regurgitate the same boring “tips” over and over again. Something along the lines of: remember to cook in bulk, unplug the spare refrigerator in the garage, and use energy efficient light bulbs. Uh huh, good stuff. Seriously. But where are you supposed to go for refreshingly original energy efficiency tips? Keep reading.
7 energy efficiency tips you won’t get anywhere else.
Savings on Cryogenic Head Cylinders
In the winter months, take the aluminum cylinder that houses your dad’s frozen head and place the whole unit close to a large window. The cool air from outside will gradually transfer through the double-glass and help to cool the metal chassis of the head cylinder. Since the vast majority of cryogenic head cylinders automatically regulate internal temperature via gold-plated Bressel sensors, the influx of cool air will signal the compressor to lower energy usage. “Hey, don’t work so hard, it’s already freeeeezzing in here!!!” This amounts to plenty of energy savings during those terrible winter months! [When repositioning your dad’s head cylinder, make sure to pick a level, empty space. Don’t set it on a can of tuna or anything stupid like that]
“Legendary” Energy Savings
The U.S. Department of Energy says that most homeowners spend 19% of their electric bill on general lighting costs. Don’t take this one sitting down. Why not cut these costs out entirely? You can do it. Simply set up a series of round, mirror plates leading from your next-door neighbor’s kitchen window all the way to your own kitchen window. You know, like what they did at the end of the Tom Cruise movie Legend, when they bounced all that righteous sunlight down through the cave and directly into the Devil’s chamber? Just like that.
Your neighbor’s kitchen light will ping pong off each mirror one-by-one and end up blasting like a spotlight directly through your kitchen window. After that, you need only set up a few additional mirrors inside your house to help spread that 100% free illumination around. And of course, when your neighbors decide to power down and go to bed, you have to go to bed too. Even if your neighbors are lettuce farmers and go to bed like sooo early. A bit inconvenient, maybe, but it’ll still add up to plenty of savings!
Savings That Are Truly Shocking
You want to save money on electricity? Try practicing some plain ol’ restraint. You can do that, can’t you? Turn the television off when you’re not using it. Turn the lights off in the bathroom when you’re not in there. And, when you torture Rambo in your basement, make sure you never turn the dial above 100,000 Ohms. The benefits of this are two-fold. One, Rambo will live longer, thus allowing you to go on torturing him until he’s finally ready to tell you why he tried to free all of the middle-aged Viet Nam War POWs you’ve been keeping locked up in your garage. And Two, those extra few giga watz of saved electricity will really add up by the end of the month. This means savings!
Bring Your Savings Account Back to Life
This one’s for all you night owl writer-types out there. Simple enough. When you’re in the cellar trying to reanimate those grey slabs of dead animal flesh, how ‘bout using ten-foot-tall steel lightning rods to help you to capture and harness naturally occurring lightning.
Yes, you’ll have to wait for fairly epic storm systems to roll in before you can get on with your experiments, but hell, we’re talking serious savings here. Lightning rods. As opposed to plugging your nickel-plated reanimation prongs directly into a standard Edison outlet. Just use nature. This is really meant to protect you from you. Some cadavers take longer to “come back” than others, and you don’t want to be running up your electric bill all night.
If you’re trying to maintain an online, electronic virtual-reality universe meant to keep Jobe (the Lawnmower Man) alive and distracted, don’t make the mistake of plugging your machine into a standard Edison outlet. Most likely you’ll just trip your circuit breaker. Those virtual reality Reibstein-Johnson machines draw some heavy amps. And even if your home’s grid can handle it, you’ll just be throwing money away like a dummy.
So why not simply have your too-skinny, wimpy son generate the requisite electricity via constant peddling on one of those energy-generating stationary bike things. Think about it. This’ll totally be a win-win: your son will develop his thigh muscles, and Jobe, inside his freeform virtual hell, will at least enjoy a feeling of constancy.
The Science of Saving Money
They say heat rises. This makes sense. I mean, like, why would it go down? It wouldn’t. So why not take full advantage of this probably correct scientific mumbo jumbo? If you want to save money on heating during the cold winter months, hang your family upside down from the ceiling (like the Lost Boys) when it’s time for them to go to sleep.
Should be plenty warmer up there, so you can turn your heat down accordingly. Your inverted, balloon-faced family won’t register a change in temperature. Believe me. House is nice and warm according to them. And this way you save some serious money. Just don’t forget to take them down in the morning, especially your significant other (well, somebody’s got to clean the dishes!)
Cheating the System
Check it out. You’ll wonder why you haven’t done this next one years ago—and to think of all those savings you could have enjoyed! But hey, you know what they say: better late than never. You ready? Here we go. Develop a comprehensive, forward-thinking plan to have each of your children sleep over at a friend’s house each and every night of the week. This way you can switch the lights off in their bedrooms. Basically permanently. It’ll be like you don’t have kids at all, and you know what they say about people who don’t have kids, right? They save so much freaking money.
But the savings don’t stop with your kids. Have your wife start an affair with the principal of the school where she works. This way, there’ll be a few nights out of each week when she’s “out shopping with the girlfriends” even though it’s 2:15 in the morning. On such glorious nights/mornings you can save on electricity because she won’t be there in bed reading with the lamp on while you’re trying to get some dang shut-eye. You can finally get some sleep. And savings!
For some of those “boring” energy saving tips, check out the link.
Or, if you want to save even more money, check out my article “5 Unorthodox Tips to Help You Save at the Pump.”