Dear Mr. Blogger,
You may not know me but I know you. I know you quite well. Because I am your fan. And notice how I said “fan.” Pay attention to how it was singular. Aka: you have one fan. Just one. And it’s me.
What’s that, you say?
You have hundreds of WordPress followers and a bunch of “likes” and a lot of friendly, happy “comments?” Oh? You have so many fans? Not just one?
Well, buddy, I hate to break it to you, but every single one of your followers and likes and comments is ME. Every freaking one of them.
My name in Legion, for I am many WordPress followers. I am ALL of your followers. The boys. The girls. The witty dads. The entrepreneurial moms. The cynical balding dudes. I AM ALL OF THEM. The fact of the matter is, over the last two years I have painstakingly created 270 bunko email accounts, with which I created 270 bunko WordPress accounts, with which I created 270 distinct and regularly updated WordPress blogs, with which I use to give you an occasional new “follow” and link to you and make you feel loved.
Why would I do such a thing? Why would I deceive you so? Because, Prac (can I call you Prac?), I want you to continue generating more blog posts, and I don’t think you can pull it off without my encouragement. Because the sad reality is: without me you wouldn’t have a single follower. That’s not a dig on your writing, per se. It’s just that this blog is too unfocused and weird. Me personally? I’m down with all the weirdness. I’m all about it. But the vast majority of “norms” and “rubes”? Not so much. Luckily for you, I’m into practicallyserious.com so much I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep you writing more and more weird wacky posts.
Do you REALIZE how much work it is to tend to 270 blogs, of varying genres and tones, EVERY SINGLE DAY? It ain’t no small feat, I can tell you that! I’m writing blogs 23 hours a day just to keep this sad charade going. Just to keep you believing that the people who “follow” you are REAL WordPress bloggers who like your writing, and not, in fact, a lonely, easily-pleased man named Frederick Legion.
Why put myself through it? Why do I like practicallyserious.com so much that I’m willing to sacrifice my career goals and social life just to be some blogger dude’s fluffer?
Because, pal, I REALLY want to know what happens to the kid in your seemingly discontinued Crazy Moths saga. And I want to read more about the Paranormal Blogging Investigators. I want to feed the Wordfish. I want to explore the V.I.P. Lounge for blog posts that you promised to build yet seem to have forgotten about. I want more from the Blog-Post Assassin. Hell, I can even stomach some more nonsense about 3D Printers and pizza.
Here’s the funny thing: most of the bunko blogs I created as part of this charade are actually better-written and more entertaining than practicallyserious.com. In my effort to maintain a believable variety of structure and content throughout my many, many blogs, I’ve inadvertently gotten Freshly Pressed about 34 times. It was all simply part of my concerted effort to keep you happy and writing more posts. Yes, I’ve become a far greater blogger than you can ever be considering your brain-size. Doesn’t matter. I still think you’re the best. For some reason.
So why am I coming clean now? Why reveal my hand after almost two years of peaceful Phantom of the Opera-style anonymity?
Because, Prac, you crossed the line.
You recently you published a post about FLYING TOILETS that are like heat-seeking missiles for exposed human butts in the middle of the street in broad daylight. I mean, that’s about the most low-brow, crude, immature, disturbing, revealing, childish nonsense I’ve ever read. You couldn’t get any more “toilet humory” than that if you tried! (please don’t try) I have half a mind to…no…I have a WHOLE mind to unfollow you with all 270 of my bunko blogging accounts. To leave you alone and scared here in the darkness. To leave you shivering like a wet poodle that just heard a loud noise and has a history of being beaten.
You are better than this! I expect more from you. But I can tell you one thing, Sir: I’m not going to keep writing hundreds of blog posts a day, in 270 distinctly different voices, just to get heat-seeking flying toilets.
Fortunately, I’m a reasonable man. I trust this was a nothing more than a momentary hiccup in your demonstrated creative writing elegance and class. Hell, we all make mistakes. I’m perfectly willing to put all of this behind us. I will even continue creating new blogger identities with which to continue to make your list of followers grow and grow and grow. I’ll keep pretending I never read about flying toilets, and you can keep pretending that more than one person has EVER read your blog.
It’ll work out. We’ll get through this.
But go through puberty or something. Fast.