On the heels of Amazon’s recent announcement that the popular company wants to begin delivering products to customers via unmanned drones, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos demonstrated yet another controversial drone-based delivery service at Saturday’s IndiByte tech conference: Amazon AirBowl. Where Amazon Prime Air is slotted to make urgent merchandise deliveries to online shoppers, AirBowl is being developed for customers who, themselves, have an urgent delivery to make.
“AirBowl is targeted for customers who find themselves in desperate need of high quality bathroom solutions, but with no readily available options,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, glowing with pride. “The idea is that a customer — whether they’re enjoying a nice stroll by the lake, or waiting in line for a popular new movie release — can order AirBowl via a free smartphone app, and then have a full size premium toilette flown out to them in no more than 15 to 20 minutes.”
Bezos says that the AirBowl utilizes the same drone technology as Amazon Prime Air, but modified for a larger payload size. AirBowl drones are also equipped with advanced infrared sensors to recognize and hone in on the customer from as high as 500 feet in the air. Customers, of course, must remain in an open and brightly lit area. With their pants down.
“Yes, our drones are programmed to recognize the customer from way high up in the clouds,” said Bezos, sporting a sheepish grin. “But, no, we’re not ‘Skynet.’ We’ll need the customer’s help. Just a little. You see, our drones are equipped with UDR (Universal Derriere Recognition). Basically how it works is when the customer hears the incoming locust-like buzz of our Amazon drone, the customer will then calmly lower his slacks, bend over as far as possible to aim his rear end skyward at a minimum angle of 70 degrees, and then wait for the drone to scan and recognize the exposed human buttocks and begin its final descent. The customer, ideally grabbing his ankles for continued balance, will patiently remain in ‘receive’ position until the sky drone gently positions the Amazon AirBowl directly behind him.
There will be an audible ‘beep’ to signal delivery fulfillment, says Bezos. Then the customer simply falls backward, lands butt-on-bowl, and has a go at it. Two rolls of bathroom tissue are standard. More can be supplied during order-placement via an option on the smart phone app.”
Bezos admits AirBowls have no connection to water or drainage. No flushing. Customers simply leave the SkyBowl where it is and walk away, refreshed and ready for the day. Since after-use SkyBowls will obviously weigh more than they did during delivery, they ware picked up by specially designed Amazon collector trucks 5 to 10 days after initial delivery. To avoid a possible unsanitary situation, customers are encouraged to lower the lid when they’re done using AirBowl.
Bezos wistfully predicts that in a few years’ time, rogue porcelain toilet bowls awaiting Amazon retrieval could become as familiar a fixture on city streets as recycling bins and trash cans. “When Nature calls,” said a proud Bezos, “We deliver.” After saying this, he urgently scribbled the phrase into a little green notebook.
For more low-brow zaniness in the skies, check out my article: “Space Shuttle Caught Performing Lewd Act With 747.”
If you’d like to read more about Amazon’s original drone delivery service, read all about Amazon Prime Air.