Saturday Stories: “Get Highpants”

spy humor

The agency had a special alert system that could tell via sub cranial brain-chip when any of the retired agents were about to start going senile. And then of course Headquarters would send in a squad of fresh young agents to terminate the older guys. Why the heartlessness? Because history showed that once the mental barriers started breaking down, out came all the secrets in a freaking deluge of rants and raves regarding controversial assassination attempts and government pay-offs and presidential sexcapades and whatever. It was best to go ahead and do that one more controversial thing (murder an old man while he watched Matlock: Deep Space 9) than simply sit around and wait for the whole world to find out via social media and/or grandchildren crayon-drawings about all those other controversial things. Plus it was usually pretty easy.

So when the red light started flashing for Agent Edgar Plome (ret.), Director Jennings shook his droopy blond head in an oh-crap-today’s-the-day kinda way, and then phone-assembled Eradication Squad 7 to get over there immediately and please bring their most oiled machine guns w/silencers. Edgar Plome was no ordinary old man ex-agent on the very brink of senility. He was the only retired agent known to have been jogging once a day every day from the day of his retirement until last time anybody checked (couple months ago). In that whole span of time he jogged like a boss and went home and did all these push ups. And he drank health shakes with yogurt and bananas and whey protein in them. In other words: he was a super fit ex-agent. There had been this one point a few years ago when his knees started to really bug him (so said the scouting report) and Jennings hoped that meant Plome would finally stop with the jogging and get busy letting himself get nice and unhealthy, but Plome used his freaking Agency Insurance Voucher (!) to apply for and, eventually, receive successful stem cell knee-therapy. He came out of that period joggier than ever.

Why won’t this guy play ball, wondered Jennings. Normally the ex-agents were either dangerously fat or “he’s got four months” skinny. Therefore they were often easy to machine gun. They just kinda sat there in their chairs and made strange cat faces at their would-be executors. Edgar Plome, even at 91, had the body of a lean 60-year-old. Yes, he wore his pants way high, and when he took his shirt off his ivory torso looked skeletal and firm all at the same time, but, seriously, he was far from helpless. One time he punched this guy in the face, for instance.

Director Jennings crossed his fingers and hoped Eradication Squad 7 was the right choice for the job. Maybe he could have done a better job warning them that this one might be a little tougher than the others. Still an old man on the brink of senility and all that. But this time it would definately take some sneaking and maybe even a little aiming. Guess we’ll find out soon enough, thought Jennings.

Click on the link for part 2.

Click on the link to find a whole bunch of my flash fiction stories.

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3 Responses to Saturday Stories: “Get Highpants”

  1. List of X says:

    Sounds like someone who could do more than just yell at the killers to get off his lawn.

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