8 Signs You Have a Heinous Anxiety Problem

anxiety problem

It’s an age-old question: Do I have anxiety issues or am I just a total grade-A spaz? It’s hard to be sure. Well yes, maybe a crack team of psychiatrists can give you a definitive answer, but that means you’d have to openly share with them all of your bizarre, irrational worries. The psychiatric team will totally get together at lunch time and shoot milk out of their noses reminiscing about your latest session.

Seeking professional help for a dubious anxiety condition can feel like a kind of gambling. You “win” if the doctor tells you have a serious mental condition. You “lose” if the doctor simply offers you an interminable deadpan look and then goes back to whatever else he was doing before you bothered him. Like typing out an email to his daughter or something.

Well, I’m not here to diagnose your anxiety issue, but I’ve compiled a list of symptoms that definitely don’t mean you DON’T have anxiety issues.

8 Symptoms of Anxiety/Debilitatingly Overactive Imagination  

1. When your friends call you up threaten to come over to visit, you crawl under the bed and spend the rest of the day hoping they were joking.

2. When you come up with a really good idea for a short story, you already start getting nervous about your inevitable guest-spot on Letterman. I mean, what if he asks you a hardball question?

3. You consider talking to your coworkers about what you did over the week a sort of high profile “speaking engagement.” One that requires notes and practice in the mirror the night before. “Who me? [looks at index cards] Oh, I just stayed in Friday night and watched ‘Predator.’”

4. When you meet any girl for any reason, and you kinda sorta “hit it off,” you immediately become nervous about the possibility that her probably-old-fashioned dad is going to haze you for being an unrealistic “artist-type” at all those family dinners your then-wife is going to drag you to every weekend for the rest of your life.

5. Whenever you drive your elderly car anywhere outside your comfort zone (your driveway) you start to have Steven King “Dead Zone” future-visions of your car turning itself off and refusing to turn back on. Stone dead. Whole thing will have to be replaced.

6. When you go on a job interview, you think the worst thing that can happen is that you get the job.

7. When you’re on a 747, you’re not afraid of it crashing. You’re afraid of it landing.

8. You’re not afraid that someone will sneak by and John Wilkes Booth you in the back of the head with a tiny gun without you ever knowing about it (leaving you mildly brain-damaged for the rest of your life, though not enough so that you actually detect a “problem”). Instead, you’re afraid this has already happened. It would explain a few things.

If you think you legitimately have an anxiety problem, you might want to check out this informative article about real anxiety disorders.

Or, if you just like making fun of yourself (because every else is doing it!), check out my article Foods That Can Make You Less Depressed.

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This entry was posted in Lists, Practically Humorous and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to 8 Signs You Have a Heinous Anxiety Problem

  1. cestlavie22 says:

    I definitely do have an anxiety issue but this was funny none the less. If those were the extent of my issue I would be gold!

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