“Prometheus 2” Still Happening

prometheus 2

Huge, deadly space baby enjoying some Gerber.

Plot Elements I Hope to See in the Sequel (So I Can Laugh More)

A new screenwriter has been attached to the sequel to Ridley Scott’s polarizing 2012 sci-fi film, “Prometheus,” according to a recent article in the Huffington Post. Yes, “Prometheus 2” is still happening. And even though I wasn’t partial to the film, I find this news to be cause for joy. Not because some or all of the first film’s loose-threads might finally get tied up in a neat bow, but because I believe those loose-threads were the most entertaining aspect of that film. And I want more.

I’ve enjoyed hours and hours of heated debate regarding the plot holes, flaws, and cringe-worthy moments of the first “Prometheus” movie and I have no doubt that the sequel will continue in that fine storytelling tradition. Here is a sampling of what I hope to see in “Prometheus 2.”

More random powers for the famous Prometheus “black goo”

One of my biggest gripes with “Prometheus” was the lack of consistency in regards to the aliens’ deadly biological weapon: the infamous “black goo.” The writers couldn’t seem to decide what they wanted the black goo to do, so they simply made it do what each scene needed it to do. Among the black goo’s many awesome powers…

  • it kinda indirectly impregnated Noomi Rapace with an alien squid-baby.
  • it turned lead scientist Charlie Holloway into a wild, murderous Space Sasquatch.
  • it turned a full grown diaper-wearing space alien into a bunch of decaying strands of computer generated DNA molecules.

What random properties will the goo demonstrate in “Prometheus 2?” Turn a man into a woman? Turn a crappy dollar-store screenplay into an iconic sci-fi epic? The sky’s the limit with the famous “Prometheus” black goo.

More “party boy” scientists to represent humanity

The first film was rife with unprofessional, tattooed, dope-smoking, booze-drinking party boy scientists. Yes, these were the brilliant minds chosen to spearhead the most important scientific operation in the history of mankind. Young, potty-mouthed party boys. I mean, one of the dudes even went as far as rigging his spacesuit to allow him to smoke some kind of crazy space-dope while he was on duty being a scientist in the bowels of the alien spacecraft. He couldn’t even wait until he got back to the ship. That’s how party boy he was.

And what about the main male protagonist, Dr. Charlie Holloway, played by Logan Marshall-Green? You know, the head scientist guy I talked about earlier? The one who later turns into some kind of crazy Space Sasquatch and starts flinging people all over the hangar deck? Well, when he takes off his shirt to get down with Noomi Rapace, it turns out he’s got a perfect six-pack and a chiseled, shiny chest. He’s basically sexier than she is. It just doesn’t make sense. And yes, tattoos galore. Clearly he spends way more time at the gym/tattoo parlor than he does researching/writing essays for publication in elite scientific journals. I mean, what distinguished university did this guy graduate from? Clearly it’s a party school.

More “space diapers” for the fearsome villains

If the extra-terrestrial villains from the first “Prometheus” movie are so smart, then why, in the first scene of the movie, does the alien wear white, cottony diapers instead of a properly-insulated, big-boy space suit? Am I supposed to believe that these beings have mastered space travel and genetic engineering, but they still need to be changed? And who gets that awesome job?

When the first film ended, Noomi Rapace’s character, Dr. Elizabeth Shaw, set off in search of the Diaper Aliens’ home planet. Well, for the sake of Prometheus 2, I really hope she gets there. It’s going to be an iconic moment of sci-fi cinema when huge crowds of diaper-wearing bodybuilders gather to greet her at the airport, waving and cheering like she’s the Beatles. Crapping themselves silly.

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2 Responses to “Prometheus 2” Still Happening

  1. There were SO many things that irritated me in that movie. The black goo creates a snake-worm in a puddle, but when it eats a crew member, no strange new morphing. It just disappears. But the same goo in a drink becomes a sentient worm in the scientist dude’s body. The alien worm-in-eye then impregnates lady, then becomes octopus-fetus with colic from hell, and then eats alien man and gestates into Alien as we know it? But what really got me was that Elizabeth comes rushing into the old dudes room with stitches, blood and sweat all over and no one even says “wft,” they just keep rolling on as if she wasn’t horribly scarred. And asks if she wants to join them. Riiiiight.

    I wouldn’t be so annoyed by the lack of consistency if it wasn’t so damned pretty. A chocolate covered turd. So visually fantastic, so logically f*cked.

  2. Fred Fingery says:

    haha, totally. the movie would have been so much better if they could have just made up their minds about the goo. It would have really “brought the room together.” Just have it Sasquatch you. That’s it. Or just have it squid-baby you. If the audience knows what we’re supposed to be afraid of the movie will be more suspenseful. I mean, unless the point was that there were basically all kinds of goo. A different goo in every one of those vases. But we don’t know. And we don’t know if we’re supposed to not know. The movie’s full of that kind of mystery: a mystery about whether or not it’s supposed to be a mystery. Because the filmmakers had no clue either. Wow. I guess I’m not done ranting on this subject. This movie should win an academy award for rantability. Thanks for reading — great ranting with you!

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