5 Reasons There’s a 50-Year-Old Man at Your Local Hipster Bar

old hipsterWalk into any hipster dive bar on a Thursday night and you’re bound to see at least one 50-year-old-man over there in the corner leaning up against the bar fiddling with his slick blond mustache. He still manages to pull off a fairly long, albeit stringy, hairstyle, and, yes, I suppose he was somewhat successful in recreating the wardrobe of the youngings (tight purple v-neck t-shirt, scrotum-strangling jeans), but then there’s the fact that he has side-boobs. And it’s not completely out of the question that he fought in the Vietnam War.

So what’s he doing there? Mackin’ on 22-year-old babes? Well, hmm, I don’t see him really talking to any of those girls kinda right there near him. Oh, I know! Maybe he works there! Maybe he straight up owns the place, and he’s merely on some kind of standard bar-owner patrol mission like Ted Danson in Cheers. Show-the-flag sorta thing. But no, can’t be, because he keep paying for his two-dollar beers.

Say, what’s going on here anyway? Am I hallucinating? Who is this merry man and why is he tolerated by the hipster youth?

5 Reasons There’s a 50-year-old Man at Your Local Hipster Bar

  1. The man is an undercover cop from the 21 Jump Street babyface division who’s under the impression he has a much younger face than he actually does. For some reason he thinks he can still pull off early 30’s just because he’s got skinny-jeans on.
  2. He is like the knight at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Decades ago he achieved quasi-immortality by drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon out of the sacred chalice, but if he ever crosses the seal at the bar’s front door he’ll immediately hyper age and turn into a quickly decaying skeleton. Such is the price for eternal hipsterdom.
  3. He is Morrissey.
  4. He is not a 50-year-old man after all. He’s actually two different 25-year-old men who happen to be dressed in identical American Apparel-approved clothing, right down to the sockless shoes and the mullets. Their proximity to each other creates a strange sort of seamless blending/morphing effect.
  5. He is a wealthy oil magnate keeping close tabs on his daughter. He’s trying to “blend in” as he gives her a real-world interview to see if she gets the rest of the trust fund money.

Check out Careers to Avoid if You’re Already 70+ Years Old

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4 Responses to 5 Reasons There’s a 50-Year-Old Man at Your Local Hipster Bar

  1. cestlavie22 says:

    6. The retirement home had a field trip day and he decided to go back to where he spent his “younger years”

  2. dick, says:

    it was his bar before you shitty hipsters came in and ruined everything.

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