7 Signs Your New Haircut’s a Lemon

How do you know if you got a bad haircut?

new haircutSometimes you just can’t make it to your regular stylist/barber and you have to take a chance with somebody new. This can be very much like buying a used car from a total craigslist weirdo. You show up all sheepish and thumb-twiddling. You shake hands. Exchange names. Blush.

Then it’s go time.

You try your best to keep conversation going while they start snipping away, figuring that if you can befriend them during your limited time together they’ll have mercy on your hair. They’ll treat you like their brother. Or lover. You ask them questions. Laugh nervously at their jokes. And by the time you leave, you’re guardedly optimistic that you somehow finagled yourself a “good deal.” Maybe I found me a new go-to stylist, you think. This haircut feels so right!

But, damn, it’s hard to tell if you got a bad haircut when you check yourself out in your car’s rear view mirror. Right now it’s still only fresh and waxy. Let’s make no bones about it: right now, you look like a little boy who should be sucking on a lolli-pop and thinkin’ about treehouses. You look like Alfalfa.

That’s fine. That’s normal. That’s every time you get a haircut, good or bad. Everyone knows: you can’t judge a haircut’s badness based on how it looks right after you get your hair cut. That’ll be like trying to guess a baby’s future political inclinations by the intense look in its eyes.

Okay, practicallyserious.com, so lay it on me. How do I tell if my new haircut’s a lemon? Is it even possible?

Well, whoever-you-are, it’s simple. Like I said before, it’s just like buying a used car (I think I’m gonna roll with that metaphor. Not the baby one). First, go ahead and take your rusty, puddering 1995 haircut out for a test drive. Give it a couple days just to let it settle in. Make sure there’s nothing obviously wrong, like a big bald patch shaved into the back of your head. Or a long curly rat tail running down the back of your neck that you definitely didn’t ask for. And then, if all the regular stuff seems on the up and up, you can check it out for any of the following warning signs.

Good luck.

7 Signs Your New Haircut’s a Lemon

  • Suddenly, you’re wearing a baseball cap wherever you go.
  • When you look in the mirror, you can’t keep your fingers from spreading into the Vulcan salute. And you don’t even like Star Trek (you’re totally more of a Seaquest DSV-kinda guy).
  • Your friend says to you, “Dude, when you sat down in the barber chair did you say to him: ‘So, can you make me look like Prince Valiant?’”
  • When you run your hand through your hair in the morning, your heart just, like, sinks.
  • You start bragging to all your friends about how, in order to save up enough money for all the condoms you need, you’ve taken up the habit of cutting your own hair in the dark. This way saving money on both haircuts and electricity.
  • You’ve just told your girlfriend that you randomly decided to go visit your uncle in North Dakota for at least one month, maybe more, so please don’t call you to hang out. Definitely no video chat. Even though, in reality, you totally don’t have a (visitable) uncle.
  • Last  night you snuck into your brother’s bedroom and, while he slept, you cut off just his bangs with a pair of Fiskars. Then you danced down the hallway feeling better about your own situation.

For more “bad haircut” humor, check out my other post: “5 Ways to Deal With Your Unnecessarily Boyish Haircut.”

This entry was posted in Editorial, Lists, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

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