Search Engine Optimization: A Novel

Search Engine Optimization: A Novel

Chapter 1. Latest Tablet Computers asks his father why he named his son ‘Latest Tablet Computers,’ and is then attacked by 100% Natural Penis Enlargement Ads.

Latest Tablet Computers Jr., a shy little boy of ten, with a soft mop of brown hair that horsetailed sometimes into his bright hazel eyes, had always wondered why his father saw fit to haze him with such a silly name. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, a highly respected lecturer on the subject of SEO (Search Engine Optimization), himself had an equally peculiar name, and this too had always been a point of curiosity for his precocious son. Finally, one day, while playing the best version Angry Birds on his tablet computer, Latest Tablet Computers Jr. couldn’t bear it any longer and finally addressed the issue with his dad. With great effort, he pried his eyes from the tablet computer and said to his father, “Father, why did you name me Latest Tablet Computers Jr. when you could have just as easily named me Raymond?”

Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, a very serious man who was never known to pass over an opportunity to throw down some good, manly fathering, squatted low into his son’s domain and said, “Sweetheart, it’s all about SEO. It’s about repetition.” Indeed, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers was also the type of man who thought it was acceptable to refer to his son as “sweetheart,” as if the boy was an adorable girl. And Latest Tablet Computers Jr. somehow failed to find this emasculating. “You have to learn to tune your mind to how the big search engines,” continued Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, “like Google and Yahoo! and Bing crawl the internet. You have to think like a robot does.”

“Yes,” said Latest Tablet Computers Jr., his face glowing blue from the flickering screen of his tablet computer, “But I’m a boy, not a blog post. I’m not something that needs to be optimized for Google or Bing.” And then, quite unexpectedly, Latest Tablet Computers’ eyes flashed big and wide. His jaw dropped in wooden terror. A bunch of 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads had suddenly popped up (pun intended) on the screen of his tablet computer. A moment too late, Latest Tablet Computers Jr. averted his eyes from the tablet computer and started to cry.

Chapter 2. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers rescues his son from the attack of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement Ads, but sadly cannot rescue himself.

“Sweetheart!” Mr. Latest Tablet Computers swooped down and yoinked the tablet computer from Latest Tablet Computers Jr.’s hands and, one by one, began to close out all of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads. Except, while he did this, he couldn’t help but notice some particularly flashy wording in one of the ads. It seemed to suggest, in a very confident font, that a man’s wife would really respect him if his penis was 100% naturally enlarged; and so Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, in one fluid motion, whipped out his credit card and ordered some 100% Natural Penis Enlargement pills. Though, even while feverishly typing in his account number, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers wondered what the term ‘100% Natural Penis Enlargement’ even meant. If it was so 100% natural, how was it any different from what he could do himself with the lingerie section of the Sears catalog? Still, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers ordered the pills, then closed out the remaining 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads and handed the tablet computer to Latest Tablet Computers Jr. so the boy could continue playing the best version of Angry Birds.

Chapter 3. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers lectures his son about how all those ‘Top Ten Ways to Optimize Your Blog for Search Engines’ represent only half the battle, and tells him what all of this has to do with why he named his son Latest Tablet Computers Jr.

Later on in the afternoon, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers took a long nutty sip of his coffee, and then said to his son, “Latest Tablet Computers Jr., listen up. I say it in all my lectures. If a blogger is ever going to be truly effective at SEO, he can’t just read one of those ‘Top Ten Ways to Optimize Your Blog for SEO’ and then suddenly think he knows all about how to optimize his blog for search engines. Those ‘top 10’ things are only a means to an end. You must practice practice practice until SEO comes as naturally to you as breathing. SEO must become part of you; you must ooze Top Ten SEO techniques from your pores. When you look at your skin with a microscope you must see little tiny bubbling vats of SEO.” Mr. Latest Tablet Computers shrugged his shoulders, his point being made. “So, naturally, when it came time to name you, dear boy, I simply had to go with an attention-getting keyword, a search engine darling. I had no choice. Nor did my own father, Attorney General Latest Tablet Computers. SEO isn’t some collection of cheap tricks to draw random internet traffic to your lonely web page. It’s a lifestyle.”

Chapter 4. A slightly altered version of Chapter 2 which shamelessly recycles that content, offering no new information about our characters.

Mr. Latest Tablet Computers snatched the tablet computer from Latest Tablet Computers Jr.’s hands and patiently closed out all of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads. While he did this, one of the flashiest ads lassoed his eyeballs, and before he knew it he’d gotten out his credit card and ordered some 100% Natural Penis Enlargement pills. Apparently they’re the real deal. Yet, even while Mr. Latest Tablet Computers typed in the numbers of his Visa credit card, he wondered what the term ‘100% Natural Penis Enlargement’ even meant. Did this mean they would simply send him a Victoria’s Secret catalog and say “Have fun”? Then he closed out the rest of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads and handed the tablet computer to Latest Tablet Computers Jr. so the boy could continue playing the best version of Angry Birds.

———

Sometimes, hoping to discover new ways to increase internet traffic to practicallyserious.com, I check out random blog posts that have to do with SEO. Usually these posts come in a “top ten tips” kinda format (like this one); and, though helpful, if you’ve read one you’ve read them all. Seems like one of the go-to techniques is simple repetition of search-friendly phrases. Reiteration. This isn’t all that hard to pull off, especially if you have one of those Martha Stewart-kinda informative blogs. However, I have yet to find one that recognizes the existence of blogs that deal mostly with fiction and prose. How are flash-fiction-friendly blogs supposed to optimize their content for search engines? Is it even possible? So, as an experiment, I wrote Search Engine Optimization: A Novel.  Bring on the traffic!

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