Top 5 Healthiest Herbs

Top 5 Healthiest Herbs

1. Herb Fitzpatrick, Illinois. This 56-year-old Herb has been maintaining a 12-mile jogging streak for twelve years, and during his daily jog he also happens to be a vegetarian. Well actually, to be fair, he doesn’t eat anything at all while he jogs, but certainly not a big juicy steak!

2. Herbert Turner, New Jersey. This 25-year-old Herb is a doubledown-vegetarian. Meaning: he only eats plants that have been exclusively fed other  plants. Mainly we’re talking about prey-trapping pitcher plants that have been stuffed chock full with smaller pitcher plants and forced to digest them or else choke. Doubledown-vegetarians are also known to feed on Venus Flytraps fed, exclusively, on baby Venus Flytraps.

3. Herbie Starchmouth III, New Jersey. Another New Jersey Herb. Though currently unemployed, he has an account on Monster.com and tries to sign in at least once a week before he goes to bed. As for health: he does three sets of 100 push-ups in his bedroom each day. Although, when it comes to overall presentation, his body is pale and doughy and skinny and he can’t get laid no matter what job he pretends he has. And each of his bulging, hairy “push up” boobs look eight months pregnant with human babies.

4.  Herb Bonaparte, California. This 62-year-old writer does 165 jumping jacks every morning and then, with a seamless transition, does a single cartwheel sideways and lands butt-down in his chair, ready for his morning writing session. Also, he is a Tooth-Bypass-vegetarian. Meaning: he only eats waterplants grown directly inside his stomach, which are, humanely, digested as they grow, so they never fully mature into self-aware plant life. Tooth-Bypass-vegetarians believe it is wrong to inflict pain on plants by chewing them into mush.

5. Herbert Salmon, Rhode Island. He drinks protein shakes comprised of three other, more potent, protein shakes. Also he is a Zeppelin-vegetarian. Meaning: if he could, he’d eat Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin, for whom he is a cannibalistic stalker. Other than that, he eats Lean Cuisine chicken alfredo.

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2 Responses to Top 5 Healthiest Herbs

  1. becca3416 says:

    Are Herbs ever unhealthy? I met one once who actually flosses twice a day. Can you believe that? Tooth-Bypass-vegetarians – I lost it.

    • Derek Osedach says:

      haha, thanks. Yeah, flossing twice a day seems a little hyper-healthy. I mean, what good are fully preserved teeth if there’s always nasty floss dangling out from between them whenever you smile. That’s just as bad as having no teeth at all!

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