How to Prepare a Chicken for Dinner

How to Prepare a Chicken for Dinner

chicken dinnerFirst thing to remember is that a chicken has a natural instinct to want to eat. It doesn’t have to be prepared for this—it already knows how, even when it’s still just a little chick. You put a little birdseed in your palm and hold it in front of the chicken, the thing’ll just instinctively peck peck peck and swallow swallow swallow. Later it’ll poop poop poop. All the time completely on automatic. No preparations, no lessons, no nothing! Just like you don’t need to learn how to suck at your mother’s teat when you’re a baby.

So, if your chicken is about to have an important dinner, you don’t even need to worry about teaching it how to eat food. All you’ll need to do to prepare it is to dress it in a good pair of slacks, a nice clean collared shirt. Shoot some Binaca on or around its beak (watch the eyes if you can). Then go ahead and get a human condom and a hole-puncher. Punch out a little hole in the latex, and then take the little circle of latex that fell down when you punched the hole, and put it in the chicken’s wallet.

Tell the chicken to think with its big head, not its little head. Slap it on the chicken-butt as it waddles out your front door to the taxi.

Your chicken is about as prepared for dinner as it could be. Hopefully it doesn’t screw things up!

Very easy stuff.


For more practicallyserious “food preparation” tips, check out this article!

This entry was posted in Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to How to Prepare a Chicken for Dinner

  1. becca3416 says:

    Does that include table manners? Or, is wildly pecking at the filet mignon the polite thing to do?

    • Earl Hatsby says:

      It depends on if it’s another chicken he’s going on a date with. Wildly pecking at the food might be seen by the female as a sign of strength and determination, and may therefore help our chicken friend “seal the deal.”

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