Unorthodox Sex Advice: May 2012

Sarah H.: Hey, thanks for taking my email question. So, check it out. Me and my husband have been married for 23 years now and everything has been going very well. We get along very well when he’s home, which isn’t often. Everything’s been going great. Until last month, when he finally came back from a two-week business trip to Shanghai. Ever since then, he makes sure to wear a condom every time we have sex. I don’t get it. I’ve had my tubes tied 15 years ago. For 15 years: no condoms (what’s the use of wearing protection now that pregnancy’s off the table?). Yet now, after 15 years, suddenly he needs to wear a condom with his own tube-tied wife?

And it gets worse. After we do the deed, he sometimes waddles into the bathroom like a duck to take a wiz and, from across the house, I hear him stomp his feet and howl in pain. He just screams and howls and one time I even heard him groan/scream the phrase: “What the hell was I thinking?”

Then he comes back to bed and goes to sleep, sort of shivering and sweating.

What’s going on here? Ooh. Only one explanation to this one and I don’t think you’re going to like it. I suppose I’d better tell it to you anyway. Sarah? Are you sitting down? Okay, listen. Your husband is almost surely a Lycan (werewolf). Maybe full-blown, maybe only half-blood, I can’t quite tell. He wears the condom during sex so he doesn’t infect you with Lycan semen, which may or may not infect you with his curse. He’s new to the darkness. He probably doesn’t know all of the rules yet, so he’s just trying to be safe. I’d let him keep wearing the condom if I were you.

And I got news for you: when he goes to the bathroom it’s not to pee, although he might pretend it is. Really, it’s because he feels a transformation coming on and he needs a private place in the house where he can summon all of his concentration to try to fight it back into submission. You said it yourself: he howls in pain, stomps around. Did you ever see that famous transformation scene in “An American Werewolf in London”? It’s almost exactly like that.

Sarah H. (follow-up email): Hey, I don’t think you were right about him being a werewolf, because I just shot him with regular bullets and he died. Wouldn’t he still be alive if he was a werewolf? No. The whole silver bullet thing was made up for the movies, to make it harder for the werewolf hunters to kill the werewolves. Builds suspense, and it’s a good dramatic device: a nice shiny silver bullet forged out of melted family heirlooms. No, regular bullets work fine.

Sarah H.: Okay, cool.


Check out this post if you want more unorthodox sex advice.

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