Careers to Avoid if You’re Already 70+ Years Old

Since wisdom and reliability will always be assets in any line of work, it’s certainly possible for bored, dissatisfied men and women in their seventies to succeed in brand new career paths. Happens all the time! He or she must simply remain realistic. If they are to properly benefit from their many advantages over much-younger applicants, they must be willing to acknowledge they are not the same people as they were in their twenties.

Because there are some jobs that “70-plussers” are simply not fit for…

Lumberjack – This one sort of goes without saying. A lot of 70-plussers are well past their physical prime, and this strenuous, challenging profession involving heavy steel axes and razor sharp saws could likely lead to pulled-muscles, broken bones, and other types of bodily injury.

Taste-Tester for Werther’s Original Candy Company – Yes, seems like this one would be a good bet. But stop and think about it for a moment.  Professional taste-testers sample food products for flavor and then sort of give a thumbs up or thumbs down, and based on their professional judgment the respective item will, or will not, go on to be properly packaged and sold in stores. This important job position helps a respectable company (like Werther’s) maintain that high standard of quality control its loyal customer base has come to expect. The ability to judge, fairly and impartially, is very important to success in this career. Now, though things might work out better with some other company, the reality is that if a 70-plusser was put in charge of taste-testing Werther’s Originals they’d just give every piece they tasted a thumbs up. Wouldn’t even take time to think about it. Thumbs up! Next! This wouldn’t be good for the company, and the 70-plusser would be fired within a month.

Experimental Wingsuit Test Pilot – Again. On the surface this seems like a fine profession for an intrepid 70-plusser, especially one looking to shake things up a bit. But check it out. To soar freely through the sky like a bird, without the aid of metal wings or propellers, without the nagging voices of co-pilots or air traffic controllers to tell them where to go, would simply be too liberating an experience for an old-fashioned, rule-oriented 70-plusser. After he leapt from the airplane and extended his bat-like wings to begin his pre-planned test-glide, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from veering immediately off course and, with the instincts of a homing pigeon, heading to where he really wants to go. His support team in the plane would watch, flabbergasted, as the 70-plusser disappeared beyond the horizon in the general direction of the Moronga Indian casino, or whichever one was close and had nickel slot machines. No, you can’t give a 70-plusser that kind of freedom/power.

Hand Model – Seems like a safe enough bet but for one thing: every time the photographers try and take a photo of the 70-plusser’s hand there’ll be an orange Mega Millions lottery ticket clenched tightly between the fingers, completely ruining the shot.

Ninja – Let’s just say that a man or woman, 70+ years old, could complete training at a proper five-star Ninja Academy. Hell, let’s say they even graduated at the top of their class! Let’s say they are expertly molded into fully capable, truly-gifted shadow assassins that have demonstrated for their peers, time and again, among other things, an uncanny ability to crawl silently up and down walls like cockroaches. Who knows? Anything’s possible! The problem comes later, when the 70-plusser goes out on his first live mission. Swiftly and silently he’ll approach the oblivious, heavily-armed target while said man enjoys an expensive Cuban cigar in his mansion. The 70-plusser will approach from behind and will already have his trusty Katana blade drawn, ready to slice up his prey’s blubbering neck. But then, as soon as the 70-plusser was finally within earshot of his kill, he’d start to tell the guy all about his grandson and thus totally blow the element of surprise. Again, a built-in reflex. Again, that doesn’t matter. The 70-plusser would be fired the moment he got back to the Ninja Offices.

This entry was posted in Lists, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Careers to Avoid if You’re Already 70+ Years Old

  1. emma says:

    Crap. I’ve been planning that Werther’s taster career. I do like a good Werther’s Original. I think I’ll try for Ninja since I don’t have any kids or grandkids. Thanks for helping me see the light.

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