Choose Your Own Comedy Blog Adventure: Part 1

Blogadach Perlman, brutally tired from a long day at Ocean World teaching disrespectful sperm whales how to take him seriously should he ever try to teach them anything, slumped down at his computer desk and tried to think of something to write for his blog. His mind was heavy and numb and his thoughts came slower than usual.

Through the cradle of his fingers he saw the plastic case for his contact lenses, and he momentarily considered writing about how one time he obliviously put on a brand new set of contact lenses over the ones he’d already been wearing, and how after that he’d obliviously put on his eyeglasses over the two sets of contacts lenses in his eyes, and how, still oblivious, he then went outside into his backyard and, on a whim, looked into his plastic Fisher Price telescope and saw the Martian rover Opportunity almost fall into a little crater.

“Eh, who wants to read about that,” he now said aloud. “It didn’t even end up falling in.”

And then he looked elsewhere on his desk and saw an empty bottle of beer propped sadly next to three green plastic bottles of Flaxseed Oil tablets. He remembered with a shudder the time he’d totally botched up his shopping list and bought a 32-pack of Flaxseed Oil bottles and only one bottle of beer. And how he’d tried to compensate for his blunder by throwing a “wild” Flaxseed Oil party at his house. But only three people ended up showing up and they just ate all of his Flaxseed tablets and didn’t even bring ice or napkins or anything.

“Eh, then people will just think I’m dumb and that I can’t throw parties,” he said with a sigh.

Finally his drowsy eyes landed on an old photograph of himself yelling at sperm whales as they swam away from him in their huge Ocean World tank. Now he smiled; in the background of the photograph, which hung on a bright purple frame on the wall above his computer screen, a young woman stared intently at her watch even though there was a massive digital wall clock directly behind her. It was for this woman Blogadach smiled.

Suddenly inspired, he sat up straight in his chair and began typing on his keyboard. Then he stopped, reached down and actually turned his computer on, and then again began typing on his keyboard. Then he stopped, waited for his computer to actually finish booting up, and then again began typing on his keyboard. Then he stopped, actually clicked on the link for the blogging software, mouse-clicked “Post New Blog,” and then again began typing on his keyboard. Then he stopped, put away the Casio electronic piano keyboard he’d been typing on this whole time, and took out the actual computer keyboard and finally, finally began writing his blog.

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