The Absolute LAST 3 Things Your Job Interviewer Wants to Hear You Say

We all do it: when we’re on a stressful job interview, we say things our interviewer probably doesn’t want to hear. Often we make this mistake because we were underprepared for the interview, or because we couldn’t restrain our impulse to fill every awkward silence with fun facts about our social lives. Or maybe we’ll say things like how much we hated our last boss for making us “work all the time,” or about how we dated two of our former co-workers at approximately the same time and it was a “big mistake,” or that our real aspiration was to became a famous novelist and so we would sort of consider this career-track opportunity a “day job.” But gaffs like those are surprisingly common. Certainly they’re not the LAST things your interviewer wants to hear, right? presents…

The LAST 3 Things Your Job Interviewer Wants to Hear You Say   

  1. “I’m not actually here for an interview. I’m here to tell you that your child’s being held in a remote, secure location. He’s safe for now, but whether or not he stays that way depends on a few things…”
  2. “This isn’t quite what it seems. I’m not really here getting interviewed, and you’re not really here interviewing me. You see, you are really in a hospital bed in a deep coma, and I have been sent in as a sort of “dream” agent to talk you out of it. You must trust me, I’m your only chance now and your time is running out. You must open the window behind you and jump out. Relinquish your hold on this made-up reality. Your impact on the sidewalk below will signal your comatose body in the real world to finally wake up.  If you fail to do this in within two minutes, you can remain in this self-made purgatory for eternity. Time has no meaning here.”
  3. “Sir! Whatever you do DON’T MOVE. There’s a tarantula on your shoulder and it looks frightened, looks like it’s about ready to make a rash decision. If you move at all, it might scare the thing into biting you. Just stay absolutely still and wait it out. OH CRAP. There’s like…two more on your other shoulder, they just showed up. What the hell kind of office is this anyway? Tarantulas?”
This entry was posted in Lists, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Absolute LAST 3 Things Your Job Interviewer Wants to Hear You Say

  1. I have never had any difficulty ending an interview with the interviewer looking horrified, but I do appreciate the advice.

  2. Ah hell I shoulda known I’d find pouring lurking here .. (any blogs you read are gonna get me snorting my drink out my nostrils in a frightfully elegant fashion.. ) That was hilarious, love it Derek! Am off to have a nosy at some other posts now 🙂

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