Dead Fish Handshakes and Cuckold Stranglers

Nobody thinks too much of a guy who offers a limp handshake. When shaking someone’s hand you’re supposed to offer a good, sturdy grip, and if you don’t there’s probably something wrong with you (or your hand).

But nobody ever mentions the other kind of “pathetic” handshake, which is basically the polar opposite of the Dead Fish. I’m of course referring to when, desperate to override your natural inclination to deliver a flaccid handshake, you squeeze the other person’s hand way too hard. I’m talking about when you squeeze the person’s hand as if you are trying to strangle it for cuckolding you, and the person responds afterwards by caressing their violated hand and saying something along the lines of, “Geez.”

I don’t believe this type of pathetic hand shake has an official, catchy name yet, so I thought that I might make one up. I knew I really wanted to get the word “fish” in there to keep with the theme. I came up with “Angry Fish,” but then decided that I was simply ignorantly abusing the word “fish.” A Dead Fish handshake actually bears a remarkable resemblance to the deceased body of a lake trout (Salvelinus namaycush). It’s nearly identical. But a Cuckold-Strangler handshake bears little or no similarity to a fish that is angry—so Angry Fish is out. And then I read the previous sentence and decided to call my handshake the “Cuckold Strangler.”

I am often criticized for Cuckold Strangling, which, I find, is actually a little more embarrassing than being called out for giving a Dead Fish. A Dead Fish can be the result of many different things, many different social diseases, but the Cuckold Strangler can really only stem from low self-esteem. So, yes, I am often called out for my giving Cuckold Stranglers whenever I’m introduced to someone new. Even if it’s someone’s ten-year-old kid or their grandmother. I can’t help it. The problem is that it takes an outrageous amount of energy and concentration and sheer willpower to override my DNA-encoded Dead Fish tendencies, and once I’ve managed to summon that terrible power it crushes all that stands in its way!

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2 Responses to Dead Fish Handshakes and Cuckold Stranglers

  1. thatsthejoke says:

    I had always thought Dead Fish was someone’s telling you, “Oh, ok, I’ll shake your hand, but not because I respect you as a fellow man, but because you extended your hand first and I don’t feel like dealing with rejecting it.”

    • Bill Carson says:

      Hey, I think you just invented a whole new ‘pathetic’ handshake – the “Easy Way Out.” Except this one is more pathetic for the other person than for yourself.

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