We’ve all been there. You show up at work wearing your standard dark blue collared shirt, the same blue jeans you’d been wearing for the last three days, the same black Chuck Taylors you wear all the time, and then you start to notice how just about everyone in your office seems to be wearing green stuff they don’t normally wear. Maybe it’s a green sweater, or perhaps a green belt buckle, or green earrings, green pants, green shoes. Then it hits you: It’s St. Patrick’s Day!
You notice with some resentment that some of your coworkers were clearly just as oblivious to the occasion as you were, but that they had blindly lucked into a least a little green. We’ll call them “the lucky Irish”:
“Uh…no, no, no, it’s okay because my eyes are green! GO ST. PATTY’S DAY!”
“Ooh…no, no, I’m good to go! My sneakers have a green stripe on the side!”
“Hmm…no, it’s cool, I recently got this tattoo on my ass cheek and four days ago it got infected and so there’s a bunch of greenish ass veins sort of branching out from it. St. Patty rocks!”
But no matter how closely you inspect your clothing and your naked body you come up with exactly zero greenness. You are the joke of the office. You are not part of the club today, and even the lucky Irish are giving you condescending looks.
What’s a guy to do?
- The “Eat Your Greens” Method: Find the nastiest, fuzziest Chinese food in your office’s break room fridge. Closely inspect it with a magnifying glass (so you know exactly what you’re about to eat) and sniff it like it’s a brand new car (so you know kinda how it’ll taste). The moment you start to gag simply from the thought of eating it, eat it. Stuff your gagging face with it. Swallow. HOLD IT DOWN. In moments your face should be completely green. You’re good to go.
- The “He’s Green” Technique: Start bumping into coworkers and then apologizing. Ask people where the bathroom is. Screw up simple tasks like making copies. Ask coworkers what their names are and forget their names again EVEN AS THEY ANSWER. If you do all of this correctly, your coworkers will start whispering to each other “Eh, he’s green.”
- The Leaf Technique: This is the oldest, lamest way to fit the bare minimum qualifications for greenness. Just go outside and rip a leaf off the nearest bush and scotch tape it above your lip so you have a sort of oversized green mustache/face-flap. If you’re willing to do this, to sacrifice this much of your dignity, then someone might just come by and kick you in the groin so hard you promptly turn a bluish green.