All You Need is Chocolate (3 Unexpected Ways Chocolate Can Save Your Life)

Studies have long suggested that chocolate is good for us. It doesn’t have to be. Nobody asked it to be. Nobody sat around waiting with grumpy faces for chocolate to relent and finally offer us some health benefits. Nonetheless, it tastes good and it’s somewhat healthy (in reasonable servings).

“Might make me live longer? Sweet!”

“Lowers my blood pressure? Choice!”

“Improves my mood? Awesome!”

All true, but did you know that in certain circumstances chocolate can, quite literally, save your life? If you’re looking for some more excuses to eat chocolate—read on.

All You Need Is Chocolate (3 Unexpected Ways Chocolate Can Save Your Life)

  1. Use Your Chocolate as a Bargaining Chip. If you are starving and on the very brink of death—I mean at the point of eating the ants off the floor and then even running out of ants—you can use your chocolate supply to bribe a local merchant to give you something, anything, to eat.
  2. Use Your Chocolate For Home Security. If you look out your window and see two masked-burglars/murderers approaching your house, you can quickly put your chocolate in a pot on the stove, heat it to boiling, and then go upstairs to your bedroom, open the window, and then look down to make sure the masked-burglars/murderers are directly below you. If they are, proceed to dump the searing, bubbly chocolate down the back of your own white jeans and then stick your butt out the window and shake it around. If you’re lucky, the masked-burglars/murderers will draw the wrong conclusion and run away, grossed out.
  3. Use Your Chocolate as a Distraction. If you are walking down the street with your chocolate and then a pack of rabid Labrador retrievers comes out of nowhere and starts chasing you, you can use your chocolate as a life-saving distraction. Just squeeze it into a ball and throw it onto the windshield of an approaching vehicle so that it splatters all over the glass. If you time it JUST right, the driver will lose control of his vehicle and crash into the entire pack of Labradors, destroying them.
This entry was posted in Lists, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to All You Need is Chocolate (3 Unexpected Ways Chocolate Can Save Your Life)

  1. theuglymoose says:

    I can indeed confirm these tactics all work.

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