Ever been shown someone’s newly-transplanted hairline and then had to awkwardly pretend you thought it looked great? Some are better than others, sure, but I’m still waiting for a definitive argument for why those people wouldn’t simply have been better off wearing a hat, or a paper bag. Sometimes artificial hairlines—often grafted from the hair follicles pulled from the back of the patient’s head—seem to lack the finesse of a “real” hairline.
Often this is because the follicles of the top/back of the head are much thicker than the hair usually found at the natural front hairline. Transplanted, these follicles are a symbol crash when you needed some flutes—they draw too much attention to themselves! If you are happy to resemble something from your sister’s antique doll collection the transplanted look may be ideal for you. But what happens if you want a more graceful, natural hairline?
In the latest issue of the Archives of Dermatology, Dr. Sanusi Umar pegged leg hair as the perfect candidate for more “natural” hairline grafts due to its finer, softer quality. It’s an important part of his “U-graft method,” which involves collecting hair from all over the body to help customize a more subtle hairline for each individual patient. Mixed in with dashes and dabs of hair taken from the scalp, chest, and beard, leg hair can help to provide for a much more gradual and graceful hairline. Dr. Umar’s assistant, Ralph, said “Yeah, so far we successfully completed this procedure on two different patients and in each case they walked out of the office looking like George Clooney. Never mind that one of them was a woman.”
But not everyone is sold on Dr. Umar’s approach. “It just doesn’t look quite right,” said Dr. Robert Serger of the University of Basketville, Ma. “Yes, perhaps it’s an improvement over what we used to do, but really, I’m not convinced that leg hair is the best hair for the job. Especially not when we’re branching out in the first place and getting hair from all over the body.”
Dr. Serger’s follicles of choice? “Ass hair, 100%. No doubt about it. Very soft and very fine. Sometimes you hardly know it’s there and so it can be quite subtle. And usually there’s a lot of it, which is particularly useful to cases where the patient is looking like a real [man suffering from advanced male-pattern baldness] and needs a large supply of donor hair.”
Though he claims to have had some success with other types of body hair, including nose- and ear-hair, he says that ass hair/fuzz is the most universal and useful. “Ass hair does the trick nine times out of ten. Looks damn natural. This is due to the fact the human scalp is shaped sort of like an ass-cheek in the first place.” However, according to Dr. Serger, there are other types of seldom-grafted body hair that are superior to Ass hair/fuzz in certain circumstances, when the patient is looking for a particular look and style.
“One time I grafted a ‘mohawk’ hairstyle on a gentleman and decided to use the coarsest hair I could find. Of course I’m talking about hair located in the pubic region.”
A pubic-hair mowhawk?
“Sounds a little hard to believe, right?” said Dr. Serger in a recent interview. “Who has enough pubic follicles down there to constitute a full, three-inch-tall mowhawk? Nobody, that’s who! But because he was my patient I was willing to help him out. Once we used up all of his pube follicles I filled it in with my pube follicles to sort of thicken it up, give it more body. Really it’s a 50/50 split—mine and his. Looks great!”