Scary Goodness

Kind words from Candace! We’re on a first name basis now. Read the post to see why!

Candace Vianna Writes

So Peeps, for those not in the know, I like to pretend I’m a professional writer (although in reality, I’m just a boxer wearing gnome with no impulse control and an overwhelming need for attention.) At the end of my writerly day, I  reward my professional self with select reads from my fellow pretenders, but I rarely publicly comment on a colleague’s work because I figure that’s a task best left to the unbiased professional consumer (a.k.a our literary audience.)

Any-hoo, I was on Twitter the other day, checking the profiles (I always check) of those foolish enough to follow a profane gnome (there’s a mute button and  I’ll never know you’re using it… just saying,) and one of the fools, @PracSerious   announced their thirteen page read was free on Amazon and politely requested (on their own profile) readers to give a try and maybe leave a…

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FREE Horror Fiction Today and Tomorrow: “Green Thumb: A Short Story”

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“Green Thumb: A Short Story” Free October 6 and 7 (thurs and fri)

Okay guys, my serial killer short story “Green Thumb” is free today and tomorrow. I’m really trying to get my review- and/or rating-count to 20, so I can use a few more. It’s a quick read and has been well reviewed so far. Please help out!

Green Thumb: A Short Story by Earl Hatsby https://www.amazon.com/dp/B014I0Y78I/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_x_61M9xbV085P4B

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“Green Thumb” Free Thursday and Friday (Aug 18 and 19)

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“Green Thumb Horror eBook FREE today and tomorrow”

I’m extending the my horror short story’s free promotion for two more days. Get it while it’s still free! And please consider leaving a rating on Amazon or Goodreads!

http://a.co/hbEO888

(from Amazon)

They call the serial killer “Green Thumb” due to his quirky habit of leaving small potted plants at the sites of his abductions. Michael will soon learn what that name really means.

After an ill-advised mission to rescue his brother from Green Thumb’s lair, Michael only succeeded in adding himself to Green Thumb’s list of victims. Now he must free himself and his brother from the killer’s bizarre torture chamber, where an insane collection of impossible plants suggests a terrifying new meaning behind the nickname “Green Thumb.”

 

 

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“Green Thumb” FREE on Amazon, Aug 14-15!

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“Green Thumb: A Short Story” FREE Aug 14-15

Get the acclaimed story FREE on Kindle today and tomorrow! If you read, please take a second to give a rating!

http://a.co/4uRiJf8

They call the serial killer “Green Thumb” due to his quirky habit of leaving small potted plants at the sites of his abductions. Michael will soon learn what that name really means.

After an ill-advised mission to rescue his brother from Green Thumb’s lair, Michael only succeeded in adding himself to Green Thumb’s list of victims. Now he must free himself and his brother from the killer’s bizarre torture chamber, where an insane collection of impossible plants suggests a terrifying new meaning behind the nickname “Green Thumb.”

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“Green Thumb” Free on Kindle — Today, Saturday June 18

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“Green Thumb: A Short Story” FREE Saturday, June 18th

Pick up my well-reviewed short horror story published through Amazon Direct Publishing. Please show your support by downloading a copy (100% free!) and, if you can, giving it a quick rating on Amazon or goodreads. Every little bit helps!

Click the link to get your copy: Free Book Giveaway!

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Trivago Guy Fan Fiction: “The Lure of Churritos”

Trivago Guy in Apartment

In today’s morsel of Trivago Guy fan fiction, Trivago Guy must overcome a triple-threat of distractions threatening to spoil his mission to buy a belt online.

I’ve kept you guys waiting long enough. It’s finally time for the third installment of my epic 5,000-word Trivago Guy novella “Trivago Guy Buys a Belt (Or Does He?).” Enjoy.

Trivago Guy Fan Fiction Part 3: “The Lure of Churritos”

Hours whipped by like silvery Trivago-commercial graphics and still, no easy solutions for Trivago Guy’s quandary presented themselves. Trivago Guy’s gray rumpled shirt stuck to his lean chest, which was grossly beaded with sweat from yet another blazing hot day in the San Fernando Valley.

Outside, a portly Mexican street vendor wheeled by with his taco cart advertising his greasy goods by ringing a rusty bicycle bell every so often. A gaggle of scruffy looking children, who’d been playing tag in the street, rejoiced and skipped over the taco man and started fishing into their pockets.

For the first time since his unfortunate encounter with Harry222, Trivago Guy wrested his bloodshot eyes from the computer screen. Elsewhere in his apartment building, somebody yelled something and threw something against a wall. Trivago Guy smiled at this, then leaned over and peered out the window and, for a good five minutes, stared out at the taco cart with a doleful expression on his face. If you were out there on the street looked up towards Trivago Guy’s apartment you’d swear you were looking at a child molester scanning for prey.

But you’d be wrong. Dead wrong. Trivago Guy was not staring at the kids. He hated children, if you want to know the truth. Of course he did. Whenever he encountered children during his rare jaunts to the nearby 7-Eleven, they’d usually give him a weird look, scratch their chins as if deep in thought, then verbalize a veritable laundry list of terrible, unfiltered observations about him. Usually about how tired and vampiric he looked. Kids have no filter, and for that reason Trivago Guy feared them deeply and completely.

Today, Trivago Guy barely even knew the taco cart kids were out there, so hypnotized was he by the plastic bags of orange, wheel-shaped churritos, which happened to be Trivago Guy’s second-favorite snack food after Kool Ranch Doritos. As he listened to the taunting chime of the vendor’s bell, Trivago Guy’s stomach rumbled like crazy and he dug the heels of his Adidas flip flops into the frayed gray carpet, which was so frayed primarily due to churrito-related heel digging.

But this was no time for a snack break! This was not ideal! Trivago Guy needed to figure out what to do about Harry222, if anything, so that he could finally get back to the day’s timely, critical business: buying a belt before the neighbors turned off their Internet connection. In a few hours the neighbors would undoubtedly unplug their wireless router, as they always tended to do in the late-afternoon. And once his connection to the Web was severed, all hope to buy a belt before the end of the day would be lost, dooming Trivago Guy to a most un-ideal life of incompleteness and sadness and mysteriously beltless slacks. Trivago Guy would stew in post-Internet darkness for the rest of the night. Therefore he could afford no distractions.

Ring ring. The churrito vendor, now serving a taco to the leader of the children, somehow managed to continue ringing his bicycle bell despite the fact that both of his hands were occupied in the making of the taco. But Trivago Guy wasn’t observant enough to realize that he was witnessing a miracle—the Los Angeles equivalent of water being turned to wine. No, he was simply thinking about the bags of churritos. He wanted them so bad.

His next-door neighbors finally finished having loud sex (Oh, I forgot to mention, Trivago Guy’s 60-year-old neighbors had been having loud sex in the background since the very beginning of this story). Minutes were flying by like seconds. So many distractions! Harry222’s cyber-bullying continued to eat at him. The churritos continued to taunt him. The neighbors who’d just stopped having sex at the beginning of this paragraph, now started again, louder than ever.

“Enough!!!” shouted Trivago Guy. He took a deep cleansing breath. Then he collected himself, moved his mouse icon to the “X” box at the top left of his browser’s window, and, without further incident, he clicked. The dreaded Trivago Guy Fan Page forum disappeared from the screen of his ancient Gateway computer. And yes, it really stung him to let Harry222’s final comment go unchallenged—which kinda validated it, in all fairness—but Trivago Guy’s thing was this: What good was a sterling online reputation if he didn’t even have a belt? The belt was the key. To everything. And once the danger of distraction was past, a fresh wave of excitement and determination flushed through Trivago Guy’s lean, highly tanned body. Let’s get this thing done!

Trivago Guy WILL be back…

Check out this Youtube feature on Trivago Guy!

Read the previous installment of Trivago Guy Fan Fiction

This story is inspired by a brilliant article on Rolling Stone’s website entitled “What’s the Deal With the Trivago Guy?”

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Zombie Planetfall: Starblog 1

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So I’m planning on peppering Zombie Planetfall with new “blog posts” written by Spacekid. They’ll shed some light on what was going on up on that space station before the astronaut left and came back to Earth. What do you think?

http://w.tt/1pryP29

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Zombie Planetfall: Changing of the Guard (Part 1)

balls in duffle

Today Commander Rowan has a “field day” of sorts with the dangerously disorganized Clans of the Middle School.

Because so many of you were clamoring for more, I’ve released the latest installment of my serial zombie novella, “Zombie Planetfall.” Swing by and tell me what you think!

Zombie Planetfall.

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10 Household Items Guys Can Use to Practice Making Out With a Girl (Part 2)

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Making out with girls requires a variety of skills, all of which can be developed and honed by using simple items found around your house.

Welcome back all you struggling casanovas! Click here to revisit part 1. Today we complete our comprehensive list of 10 household items you can use to practice making out with a girl. Why settle for smooching your hand or kissing your reflection in the bathroom mirror when there are so many better ways to do it! True, you should only try the following methods at your own risk, but then again, making out with women is a risky proposition in the first place!

6. A Live Squid. Yes. I know. All of the options in Part 1 had one thing working against them: none of them can accurately recreate the feel of something alive thrashing about inside your mouth. That’s an important part of making out with a girl—the slimy and unpredictable tongue-churning. So for practice you can basically suck on a live squid. Make sure its pointed so that the tentacles are inside your mouth and squirming against your tongue. When you are done practicing, you can go ahead and eat the squid. Protein.

7. A Dust Buster. So far none of our options have address the “sucking” part of sucking face. Not that there’s a lot of sucking going on when making out with your partner, though. I’m not really sure where the whole sucking face thing came from in the first place. But just in case your one of those anal retentive “them’s the rules” sort of people, I wanted to give you a way to practice sucking face in a way that involves actual sucking, but you must only attempt this at your own risk!

Use a dust buster, plain and simple. Make sure you brush off all the cheerios, pubes, ants, and spiders that were caught up in the mouth of the dust buster, and then simply press your lips to its lips and get you some. While you’re doing this, click the thing on full suck mode.

8. A Metal Presidential Bust. Okay. okay. You have a point there. None of my proposals even comes close to recreating the feeling of interacting with a human head. Dust busters and pickle jars and oscillating desk fans all have their advantages, sure, but real girls tend to feature an actual full-sized human head, with all the associated nooks and crannies! So what you can do is go into your dad’s study and start making out with his pewter, life-size metal bust of President George Washington. Doesn’t matter your sexual preference. It’s just a bust. It’s not an actual person.

Last time I checked, a statue is not a human. And making out with a realistically proportioned presidential bust will at least give you practice insofar as where to place your hands and nose during the actual kissing. No, the George Washington will not be able to open his metal mouth and start exploring your mouth with his tongue, so yes, you will have to use a little imagination. Plus, this could be your way of thanking the real George for all he gave us.

9. Your Smartphone. Yes, I know. None of my proposals so far gives you any practice making out with something you love. So far it’s all been either inanimate objects, or a nasty unlovable squid. But when you make out with a girl in real life, it’s usually because you love her–at least for the moment. So how can you get some practice kissing someone you love? Easy. Kiss your smartphone. You love it very much. You probably love it even more than any girl you’re ever going to make out with. So just go for it! Your smartphone can offer you no make-out benefits other than the whole love connection, but isn’t love all that matters in the end? If nothing else, you’ll end up giving the thing a good cleaning.

10. A Flip-book Featuring the Animation of a Mouth Slowly Opening and Extending its Tongue. And last but not least, I offer you an option to practice making out with a girl that really gives you a whole bunch of everything. Most of the practice-areas we’ve discussed in this piece can be found, in some degree, in this final option. The only one missing is the squid one, I think. Draw or purchase a flip-book that features the animation of a mouth opening and lashing out its tongue. Make out with it when the tongue starts to come out. You can practice your timing, you mouth placement, your tongue-flicker.

You will find the flip-book a visceral, exciting experience that offers you an acceptable degree of responsiveness. You can even flip the book in reverse to practice hiding your dejection when a girl finally retracts her tongue and ceases the make-out session in disgust.

For more practice making out with girls, click the link.

 

 

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10 Common Items Guys Can Use to Practice Making Out With a Girl

picklejar

Terrible kisser? Don’t sweat it. There are plenty of everyday items around the house that you can use (at your own risk) to practice making out.

How to Make Out With a Girl: 10 Household Items With Which to Rehearse Sucking Face (Part 1)

Let’s face it. Not every guy knows how to make out with a girl. It’s not as easy as it looks. So much can go wrong: Errant tongue placement, unplanned tooth-raking, too much saliva, too little saliva. How is a regular fella supposed to keep track of this sort of thing? Why, you simply have to know what you’re doing is all. Practice makes perfect. I’m here to tell you 10 exciting new ways that you can practice the art of making out with a girl.

Attempt the following at your own risk!

1 A pickle jar with one pickle in it. This one seems pretty obvious, no? If you get your hands on a pickle jar with only one pickle inside it, you kinda have everything you need to recreate the experience of your lover’s mouth. You got the wetness (pickle juice), you got the gaping lips (the rim of the jaw), and you have the crude, flopping tongue (the pickle itself). Just unscrew the lid and go to town—you’ll be ready for the real thing before you know it! Wear a bib.

2. A bar of soap sculpted to look like a tongue. So I know what you’re thinking: a pickle isn’t quite shaped like an actual tongue. No problem! If accurate tongue-shape is important to you, just go grab a bar of Dove soap and, with a knife, carefully sculpt the soap to look like a tongue. If you are a good sculptor you will end up with a perfectly proportioned and textured Soap Tongue ready for use. Just sandwich it between your fingers and start making out with your fist. Don’t stop until you’ve reduced the Soap Tongue into a bitter, foamy lather.

3. A mousetrap. Yeah yeah yeah. I know what you’re going to say. The Soap Tongue was a sweet idea, but it doesn’t really do anything–there’s no sense of erotic suspense. How is that good practice making out when there’s no sexy thrill? It’s just a dumb piece of soap with zero responsiveness! Okay. Fine. If erotic suspense is your particular area of study, then you can take a classic Tom and Jerry-style mousetrap and start making out with that. Pretend the cube of cheese is the tongue. You’ll have to be very gentle or else you’ll spring the trap and clip your tongue. But that’s the point, no? Suspense? I got news for you: In real life a girl might  bite your tongue off at any point during the make out session. So get practicing!

4. An oscillating desk fan. Okay. I knew you were going to say that! A mousetrap is thrilling, yes, but it doesn’t really recreate the exciting motions of a lustfully flickering tongue. No problemo! If “lustful tongue-flicker” is what you’re after, then just grab the dusty desk fan, remove the protective grill, turn the thing on its lowest setting, and carefully press your tongue against the rotating fan blades. Watch out for your nose! And yes, this is very dangerous, so i must reiterate that you should only attempt this one at your own risk. But making out with a girl is risky in the first place, is it not? You risk getting mono. You risk getting beat up by her big brother. Kapeesh?

5. An electric toothbrush. Yep. I knew what you were going to say. The spinning blades of a desk fan provide a damn good approximation of an aggressive “make out” tongue-flicker, but the whole experience isn’t nearly intimate enough to serve as good practice making out with a girl. Most desk fans are way wider than a girl’s head, for instance. It’s like being in a NASA wind tunnel. Okay. Fair enough. So what you can do is grab an electric toothbrush (Oral B makes a good one), turn it on, put it in your mouth (sans toothpaste), and heck, just start making out with it. The vibration of the brush head will cause the thing to move all by itself in a serviceable approximation of a “sentient” tongue-flicker. It’ll have a mind of its own. You’ll get the impression your toothbrush is really into you!

Click the link for part 2 (More ways to practice making out with women)

 

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