Posts tagged ‘spoof’

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January 21, 2013

Search Engine Optimization: A Novel

by Derek Osedach

Search Engine Optimization: A Novel

Chapter 1. Latest Tablet Computers asks his father why he named his son ‘Latest Tablet Computers,’ and is then attacked by 100% Natural Penis Enlargement Ads.

Latest Tablet Computers Jr., a shy little boy of ten, with a soft mop of brown hair that horsetailed sometimes into his bright hazel eyes, had always wondered why his father saw fit to haze him with such a silly name. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, a highly respected lecturer on the subject of SEO (Search Engine Optimization), himself had an equally peculiar name, and this too had always been a point of curiosity for his precocious son. Finally, one day, while playing the best version Angry Birds on his tablet computer, Latest Tablet Computers Jr. couldn’t bear it any longer and finally addressed the issue with his dad. With great effort, he pried his eyes from the tablet computer and said to his father, “Father, why did you name me Latest Tablet Computers Jr. when you could have just as easily named me Raymond?”

Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, a very serious man who was never known to pass over an opportunity to throw down some good, manly fathering, squatted low into his son’s domain and said, “Sweetheart, it’s all about SEO. It’s about repetition.” Indeed, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers was also the type of man who thought it was acceptable to refer to his son as “sweetheart,” as if the boy was an adorable girl. And Latest Tablet Computers Jr. somehow failed to find this emasculating. “You have to learn to tune your mind to how the big search engines,” continued Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, “like Google and Yahoo! and Bing crawl the internet. You have to think like a robot does.”

“Yes,” said Latest Tablet Computers Jr., his face glowing blue from the flickering screen of his tablet computer, “But I’m a boy, not a blog post. I’m not something that needs to be optimized for Google or Bing.” And then, quite unexpectedly, Latest Tablet Computers’ eyes flashed big and wide. His jaw dropped in wooden terror. A bunch of 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads had suddenly popped up (pun intended) on the screen of his tablet computer. A moment too late, Latest Tablet Computers Jr. averted his eyes from the tablet computer and started to cry.

Chapter 2. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers rescues his son from the attack of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement Ads, but sadly cannot rescue himself.

“Sweetheart!” Mr. Latest Tablet Computers swooped down and yoinked the tablet computer from Latest Tablet Computers Jr.’s hands and, one by one, began to close out all of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads. Except, while he did this, he couldn’t help but notice some particularly flashy wording in one of the ads. It seemed to suggest, in a very confident font, that a man’s wife would really respect him if his penis was 100% naturally enlarged; and so Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, in one fluid motion, whipped out his credit card and ordered some 100% Natural Penis Enlargement pills. Though, even while feverishly typing in his account number, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers wondered what the term ‘100% Natural Penis Enlargement’ even meant. If it was so 100% natural, how was it any different from what he could do himself with the lingerie section of the Sears catalog? Still, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers ordered the pills, then closed out the remaining 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads and handed the tablet computer to Latest Tablet Computers Jr. so the boy could continue playing the best version of Angry Birds.

Chapter 3. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers lectures his son about how all those ‘Top Ten Ways to Optimize Your Blog for Search Engines’ represent only half the battle, and tells him what all of this has to do with why he named his son Latest Tablet Computers Jr.

Later on in the afternoon, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers took a long nutty sip of his coffee, and then said to his son, “Latest Tablet Computers Jr., listen up. I say it in all my lectures. If a blogger is ever going to be truly effective at SEO, he can’t just read one of those ‘Top Ten Ways to Optimize Your Blog for SEO’ and then suddenly think he knows all about how to optimize his blog for search engines. Those ‘top 10’ things are only a means to an end. You must practice practice practice until SEO comes as naturally to you as breathing. SEO must become part of you; you must ooze Top Ten SEO techniques from your pores. When you look at your skin with a microscope you must see little tiny bubbling vats of SEO.” Mr. Latest Tablet Computers shrugged his shoulders, his point being made. “So, naturally, when it came time to name you, dear boy, I simply had to go with an attention-getting keyword, a search engine darling. I had no choice. Nor did my own father, Attorney General Latest Tablet Computers. SEO isn’t some collection of cheap tricks to draw random internet traffic to your lonely web page. It’s a lifestyle.”

Chapter 4. A slightly altered version of Chapter 2 which shamelessly recycles that content, offering no new information about our characters.

Mr. Latest Tablet Computers snatched the tablet computer from Latest Tablet Computers Jr.’s hands and patiently closed out all of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads. While he did this, one of the flashiest ads lassoed his eyeballs, and before he knew it he’d gotten out his credit card and ordered some 100% Natural Penis Enlargement pills. Apparently they’re the real deal. Yet, even while Mr. Latest Tablet Computers typed in the numbers of his Visa credit card, he wondered what the term ‘100% Natural Penis Enlargement’ even meant. Did this mean they would simply send him a Victoria’s Secret catalog and say “Have fun”? Then he closed out the rest of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads and handed the tablet computer to Latest Tablet Computers Jr. so the boy could continue playing the best version of Angry Birds.

———

Sometimes, hoping to discover new ways to increase internet traffic to practicallyserious.com, I check out random blog posts that have to do with SEO. Usually these posts come in a “top ten tips” kinda format (like this one); and, though helpful, if you’ve read one you’ve read them all. Seems like one of the go-to techniques is simple repetition of search-friendly phrases. Reiteration. This isn’t all that hard to pull off, especially if you have one of those Martha Stewart-kinda informative blogs. However, I have yet to find one that recognizes the existence of blogs that deal mostly with fiction and prose. How are flash-fiction-friendly blogs supposed to optimize their content for search engines? Is it even possible? So, as an experiment, I wrote Search Engine Optimization: A Novel.  Bring on the traffic!

Posted in Editorial, Fiction | Leave a Comment »

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November 30, 2012

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

Life Before Smartphones 3 of 5: Taking Down a Girl’s Number (While You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

first_date_965804_xlargeIn the days before Smartphones, if you were drunk and you wanted to take down a girl’s number, you couldn’t rely on your memory alone.  Even if you weren’t drunk, that’s still way too many numbers.  No, you’d have to spontaneously devise some kind of complex memory system that utilizes all of your nearby friends. Example: each drunken knucklehead could be trusted to memorize one digit of the overall phone number. The following day you could gather your friends and line them up against the wall like the Usual Suspects, and theoretically you’d have the complete phone number standing there before your eyes.

Sounds reasonable enough, right? Necessity is the mother of invention, blah blah blah? Not really. Not this time. Right off the bat I can think of a few major problems with this technique. First of all, to pull this off you’d need a minimum of ten friends in the first place, which I can tell you probably don’t have. Second: just because your inebriated friends were able to remember their assigned number, how are they supposed to know what order to stand in when you line them up against the wall? You’d have to shuffle them around again and again and try so many combinations, you’d practically be better off pulling out the phone book and calling all the numbers one by one starting from the beginning! Man, having a trusty cell phone in your pocket really makes things easier—just save her number to your contacts and you’re done!

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If you want to further your education, please check out the other “lessons” in this series. And be sure to check back in for next week’s lesson!

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

Posted in Editorial, Lists, Practically Humorous, Relationships | 5 Comments »

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November 27, 2012

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

Life Before Smartphones 2 of 5: Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the days before Smart Phones

In order to make a drunken booty call at 3:05am—in the days before we had smartphones—you had to open your second-floor bedroom window, stick your head out as far as you could without falling into the rose bushes below, and, praying your slurred words might carry all the way ‘cross town along the cool twilight breeze,  scream the following phrase at the top of your lungs: “HEY JACKIE!!!” Long pause to steady your wobbling knees, catch your breath and collect a second load of air into your chest, and then, for all you’re worth, cry into the darkness: “SUP?”

I know what you’re thinking: they had it all figured out in the days before Smartphones. Clever lads. Turned lemons into lemonade yadda yadda yadda. But, really, this was a terrible way to make a booty call, and I’ll tell you why. When people did this they used to wake up half the neighborhood! And what happens if Jackie should decide simply to ignore your “text?” Suddenly all the same people you just woke up now realize you’re an even a bigger loser than before, because now they know you’re not getting laid tonight! You’re just sad and drunk and lonely! Much, much easier to make a late night booty call with a Smartphone. More privacy when you get rejected!

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If you want to further your education, please check out the other “lessons” in this series. And be sure to check back in for next week’s lesson!

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

Posted in Editorial, Lists, Relationships | 4 Comments »

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November 24, 2012

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

Life Before Smartphones 1 of 5: Playing “Angry Birds” in the days before Smartphones

In order to play Angry Birds before the dawn of smartphones you literally had go out in the wilderness, capture a nest’s-worth of baby birds,  safely transport them to the nearest abandoned construction site, and hope like hell there just so happened to be approximately ten pigs scattered all over the rusty beams of the building’s frame. Once you completed all that, you had to wind up like Nolan Ryan and fling the still-living baby birds, one by one, at the skeletal frame, with hope that the structure had been so poorly slapped together in the first place the soft blubbery impact of bird upon metal makes the beams sway just enough so that loose parts of it collapse onto and crush some of the pigs.

It was a simpler time back then, and people made do with what they had. They had lower standards and were therefore more easily entertained. Yet, before you start developing the erroneous idea that pre-Smartphone “Angry Birds” fans had it easy, just stop and think for a moment. Consider, if you will, how long it would take the average pre-Smartphone “Angry Birds” player to land upon this exact described scenario! Lot of random stuff has to work out just right! It could take all day to get through a single level. And when you run out of birds you must quickly set out and harvest more. There’s no easy “start new game” option; many animals must die so that your game might live. Not very convenient for anybody, I’d think.

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Check back often for the next episode of our hit new series “Life Before Smartphones.”

More exciting episodes:

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

Posted in Editorial, Lists, Practically Humorous | 2 Comments »

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September 25, 2012

Construction Begins on Paragraph Orphanage

by Derek Osedach

Practicallyserious.com has broken ground on a state-of-the-art Paragraph Orphanage meant to cater specifically to “orphan paragraphs.” Construction should be complete within three or four blog-posts, and the first orphan-paragraph has already been enrolled.

What is an orphan-paragraph? “It’s a whole big paragraph/wordblock you cast out of one of your non-blog short stories,” said Derek, chief financier of the project. “But you feel bad for them because now they have no home whatsoever, no hope, even though maybe they were interesting in their own right. They just didn’t quite fit in, is all.”

Usually such paragraphs are exiled to the birth-computer’s recycle bin, never to be seen again by human eyes. This archaic practice has lately been criticized by the UEW (Union of Edited Words) for failing to acknowledge the sweat equity often put into these paragraphs.

Derek said that wayward story-edits, tweaked in such a way as to provide at least some hint of closure, deserve a place where they can get soup and biscuits and a nice warm bed. “The Paragraph Orphanage will give these poor, doomed words a small taste of what it’s like to be ‘published.’” said Derek. “A little community where they can be with other freaks just like them. It’s like the colony the pig-face doctors send the regular-faced people to at the end of the classic Twilight Zone episode.”

Said Derek, “A random, mutant blog like my own is maybe the perfect environment for these exiles to have their one little moment.”

According to Craig Sturgeon, the foreman hired make Derek’s dream a reality, the practicallyserious Paragraph Orphanage will be more than just another “recurring sketch” on the blog. It will, in fact, be featured as its own “page,” so that orphan paragraphs will always have a “safe place to get their words nice and toasty.”

Posted in Practically Humorous, Practically Serious News, Unorthodoxy | 2 Comments »

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September 22, 2012

Space Shuttle Caught Performing Lewd Act with 747

by Derek Osedach

Space Shuttle Endeavor was taken into custody earlier today for allegedly performing a lewd act with a Boeing 747 in public airspace. On top of being perceived by many as grossly indecent behavior, such open displays of affection are, as a condition of recently-passed Prop 431, against the law.

“I mean, my kids were looking up from the recess field and they saw this!” said Mary Marmahol, a third grade teacher for Los Angeles Unified School District. “I told them to cover their eyes!”

Two F-22 fighter jets were sent up to try and frighten Endeavor off the 747, initiating a chase that coincidentally took the shuttle and its lover to various points California, many tied historically with the space shuttle program. The low-altitude humpchase roared over Griffith Park Observatory, the Hollywood sign, the Getty Center, Queen Mary, Disneyland, and Derek’s house. The shocking spectacle was witnessed by millions of Californians.

“This was a completely consensual,” said LA city official Phil Cougin. “That’s not the point. The point is: couldn’t these two get a freakin’ hangar?”

At 20-years old, Endeavor is set to be retired after a distinguished career operating in low-Earth-orbit. In recent years many have criticized the space shuttle program for the advanced age of its three space-worthy shuttles.  “He’s just an old lecher looking for one last fling before the end,” said an eye-witness to the spectacle, a mother of two. “He should be ashamed of himself.”

Retired shuttles Discovery and Enterprise are each under investigation for similar lewd conduct.

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*I am a huge fan of NASA and the space shuttles, but I couldn’t pass up on this joke.

Posted in Practically Humorous, Practically Serious News, Relationships | 6 Comments »

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September 19, 2012

How to Prepare a Chicken for Dinner

by Derek Osedach

How to Prepare a Chicken for Dinner

First thing to remember is that a chicken has a natural instinct to want to eat. It doesn’t have to be prepared for this—it already knows how, even when it’s still just a little chick. You put a little birdseed in your palm and hold it in front of the chicken, the thing’ll just instinctively peck peck peck and swallow swallow swallow. Later it’ll poop poop poop. All the time completely on automatic. No preparations, no lessons, no nothing! Just like you don’t need to learn how to suck at your mother’s teat when you’re a baby.

So, if your chicken is about to have an important dinner, you don’t even need to worry about teaching it how to eat food. All you’ll need to do to prepare it is to dress it in a good pair of slacks, a nice clean collared shirt. Shoot some Binaca on or around its beak (watch the eyes if you can). Then go ahead and get a human condom and a hole-puncher. Punch out a little hole in the latex, and then take the little circle of latex that fell down when you punched the hole, and put it in the chicken’s wallet.

Tell the chicken to think with its big head, not its little head. Slap it on the chicken-butt as it waddles out your front door to the taxi.

Your chicken is about as prepared for dinner as it could be. Hopefully it doesn’t screw things up!

Very easy stuff.

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For more practicallyserious “food preparation” tips, check out this article!

Posted in Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy | 2 Comments »

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September 7, 2012

Creativity Rover Ready to Test “Word” Laser

by Derek Osedach

The Creativity rover team has completed an elaborate set of diagnostics on eleven of the rover’s twelve science instruments. According to PSSA, the final instrument—WURDCam—will be tested later this afternoon. WURDCam, of course, is arguably Creativity’s most valuable scientific asset. This MIT-designed instrument will fire a military-grade laser at specifically targeted posts from practicallyserious.com’s archives, creating a fine mist of worddust that can be analyzed to determine the presence (or absence) of humor in the blog’s archival records.

“We’ve been taking this nice and slow because—pardon my French—we don’t want to muck this up,” said PSSA administrator Benny Shmogston. “But I’m pleased to report that, so far, we have a healthy rover on our hands and we’re about ready to do some real science here.” Shmogston says that the Creativity operators fully expect the WURDCam test to be an unqualified success.

Later this afternoon WURDCam will fire a sequence of three laser pulses at a preselected blog-post from the recent past. “Of course we’re not expecting to find any humor in a modern blog-post. If there’s humor on this blog it’s certainly not right there on the surface. Anyone can see that. But this exercise will give us a chance to calibrate our systems and get ready to finally stretch our legs.” Shmogston added that, barring any unforeseen obstacles, Creativity will be ready to begin its primary mission in the coming weeks.

Creativity landed on the surface of practicallyserious.com at 10:32 p.m. Pacific time on August 6, 2012, looking for signs of past or present humor on the dismal surface of Derek’s unfamous blog.

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To find out what happens next, click here!

To follow Creativity’s mission from the very beginning, check out this post!

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy | Leave a Comment »

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August 11, 2012

My Blog’s Very Own Pet: The Wordfish

by Derek Osedach

These words are the water for the Wordfish. He lives here in this post. It’s like his fish tank. These aren’t just normal words and this isn’t a normal post. The Wordfish (Patrick II) gets his oxygen from these sentences, and so I must be sure to keep everything I say here crisp and clean. Probably every once in a while I’ll have to come back to this post and change some of the words and replace them with new words, just to keep the wordwater nice and fresh for Patrick II. He is practicallyserious.com’s pet. He is the only pet ever owned by a blog that I’m aware of. But practicallyserious.com can’t take care of Patrick II all by itself, because a blog is also a social thing and so other people must contribute. You see, Patrick II can only digest “likes” and, maybe if it’s his birthday, “comments.” A “follow” would be like the equivalent of eyedropping expensive dark blue fish-medicine into the tank to help keep Patrick II’s body nice and strong, his fins un-decayed, and his slimecoat extra slimy. At least every few weeks he’ll need to be fed so please help. Yes, I know deep down you all want to help but that won’t be enough; you’ll have to actually reach into your heart—and your pocket—to help change this fish’s life.  A little goes a long way. Please help practicallyserious.com take care of its new pet.

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy | 7 Comments »

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August 6, 2012

“Creativity” Rover Lands on practicallyserious.com!

by Derek Osedach

“Creativity” Rover has survived its daring plunge through the atmosphere and safely touched down on the surface of practicallyserious.com at 10:32 p.m. Pacific time (1:32 a.m. EDT/0532 GMT). All signs indicate a perfect landing. “We’re all very thrilled,” said PSSA administrator Benny Shmogston. “This is a landmark moment for the 66 followers of practicallyserious.com. They should know that they have a priceless asset sitting safely inside the blog and they should be proud. Now it’s time to see where ‘creativity’ can take us!”

While the initial thumbnail photograph beamed back via the 2.5-billion-dollar rover’s transmitter reveals the surface of the blog to be an endless desert of unfunniness, it is PSSA’s hope that traces of humor can be found on practicallyserious.com beneath the surface. Practicallyserious.com is believed to have once been a funny blog, capable of supporting the existence of humorous posts. Some scientists even project that practicallyserious.com can one day again support a bustling colony of funny crap. “That’s what Creativity is all about: discovering whether or not the essential building blocks are there.”

How soon can we expect answers? “First we’ll want to take it slow,” said Shmogston. “We’re going to thoroughly test all of Creativity’s ten science instruments before setting out into the blog archives and searching for signs of habitability. We’ll have to all be patient. In the weeks to come we hope to have something for you.”

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To find out what happens next, click here!

To relive the beginning of Creativity’s journey, follow this link.

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous, Practically Serious News | 4 Comments »

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