Posts tagged ‘quick read’

January 7, 2013

Flash Fiction: “The Crawling Hand (with a gun)”

by Derek Osedach

The Crawling Hand (with a gun)

crawling hand The Crawling Hand (with a gun) inched toward the man in the fancy leather reading chair. It wasn’t just hand—there were a few inches of forearm too, pale and springy with hair, but this, rather unceremoniously, gave way to streamers and flaps of purple flesh that wetly brushed along the floor. In dreadful fits and starts the whole ghastly thing catepillared onwards, twitching and quivering between the cold, comfortless furniture. Occasionally the perfect curve of the pistol’s barrel caught a somber glow from the fireplace. Finally, the beastly thing came to a rest about two yards from where Anthony Smeegle sat—quite near the ashy bluestone hearth. Veins bulged beneath parched skin as the Crawling Hand (with a gun) deftly shifted the .45 until its muzzle set a spiteful eye on Smeegle.

Yet the large, stolid Smeegle didn’t budge an inch. Since he’d first caught sight of the thing on the floor, he’d fallen prey to a paralyzing fear; not borne of the ghastly abomination itself, but of the terrible likelihood that he’d, after so many years on the brink of it, finally crossed over into madness. Now his breath plumed visibly from his lips in quick bursts; despite the large, crackling fire nearby, the room tonight harbored an inexplicable chill. Frost cornered the window behind him, obscuring an otherwise serene vista of the moonlit beach.

On the floor the Crawling Hand shifted its odd grip on the gun, in order that its pointer finger could find solid purchase on the trigger. Then, finally, all the necessary muscles contracted. The gun discharged with a riotous crash. The kickback literary spun the Hand counter-clockwise ninety degrees. Some blood from its own flesh-streamers spritzed the smooth oak legs of a nearby chair.

Now, between Anthony’s legs, in the flesh of the leather reading chair, there showed a definite, value-depreciating hole. By the time his ears stopped ringing, the smell of gunpowder stung at his nose. That’s when his jaw dropped like a cellar door, and he issued the most appalling, high-pitched cry a man of his bulk could possibly generate without first swallowing a lungful of helium. A damp spot bloomed in the crotch of his slacks, ribbons of steam rising up through the chilly air, commingling with the black smoke of singed leather.

The Hand (with a gun) crawled and dragged its way back to firing position and, seeming to understand there was no great rush, trained the gun with far greater care than before on the large man’s bosom. Then for a second time it pulled the trigger, but the hammer rung dry on the firing pin. No more cartridges! For a moment the Hand bobbed irresolutely on its wrist, as if only then considering the technicalities of reloading a firearm with only one “hand” available.

In moments the Crawling Hand (with a gun) seemed to understand that the unexpected crisis wasn’t, after all, going to hamper it’s devilish plans. For Anthony had already, and indubitably, expired. In the chair by the window he was frozen bolt upright, his eyes bulging glass orbs, his stark expression frozen solid in a cold visage of blood-curdling fright. His hands were like the roots of an old, dead oak. Moments after the shot had rung out,  Anthony’s heart, ever under duress from supporting so sturdy a man in the first place, tore and deflated right there in his chest. Now his tongue was a purple thing huddled sideways in his hanging mouth. In this frightful posture the other fellows of the Tsunami Beach Club found him. And not a one of them noted any long streak of blood on the floorboards, nor the bullet-hole in the chair, because these things had somehow departed the scene as cleanly as had the Crawling Hand (with a gun).

Copyright 2013 Derek Osedach

January 4, 2013

Flash Fiction: “Brain Polaroids”

by Derek Osedach

Brain Polaroids (Crazy Moths IV)

The boy Sky woke and there was crust in his eyes that kept the lids together, which was good, because otherwise he would have seen the moth on the headrest. Not a moment too soon—right when his eyelids were strong enough to break the crust—he remembered the rules: Don’t look up or there they’ll be. The world opened bright around him and he gazed down at his lap. To survey the scene he used only his ears and his hands. He could tell he was in the station wagon, that was easy. Quite well he knew the plasticky smell of the seatskin, and he could feel the hum of the engine idling beneath him. Next he decided his head ached. He touched it and it hurt more. And a moth flew away, like it had been sleeping on his eyebrow all this time. It tickled the bottom of his wrist and then bounced off the ceiling. The wind on his plump little arms told him the doors were open. The doors shouldn’t be open.

And so, like his mom taught him to do when it was absolutely necessary; he polaroided. This means he shot a super-quick glance out through the window and then back down to the safety of his lap, and while staring at his lap he let the image develop in his mind. It came slow, like when you jiggleshook a picture from the old Polaroid camera his dad had. The colors and edges and things came as chemicals. The picture developed. It was the fun wooden play structure at Veteran’s Park. The station wagon had apparently parked right up against the metal bars, in the sand. Sky didn’t know you could do that. More parts of the picture joined together. His dad (!) sat on the upper level of the play structure getting ready to go down the metal slide. Sky didn’t know why his dad would risk being out in the open. The slide wasn’t even good. It screeched and slowed your butt down. One time in the summer Sky and his brother took butter to the park, to put on the slide, but it melted in his pocket when they were still on Middle Road. More of the picture: there were bugs up there with Sky’s dad, clouding his hair. They were probably moths, and Sky’s dad wasn’t even looking down at the ground like he was supposed to. Then the rest of the picture came. Next to the play structure was where the swings were with the heavy rubber seats. His brother was there, wobblestanding on one of the swings, holding the chains to keep from falling. Stand-swinging. This is a fun thing to do, but not when there were moths all around like you’re a lightbulb.

“Why are you playing,” he screamed to his knees, but his dad and brother were having so much fun they didn’t answer. Sky was too confused still to be properly horrified. He did a follow-up Polaroid, and this time when it developed his dad was already buttsqueaking down the slide, getting nowhere, and his brother was still on the swing. The two of them didn’t seem scared of the moths. And because he really wanted to, Sky started to think that maybe the moths were finally safe to look at again. This must be the case because why are dad and Joey out there? Then he got mad and clenched his fists and thought: I’ll make sure it’s the case. I’ll go play.

That’s when he heard a nearby collision, a metallic rattle. Someone somewhere had run into something, probably one of those green metal baskets they got all around the park, the ones that protect the garbage cans. He listened carefully then for more noise. Feet, running on sidewalk, sand, coming towards the car. Sky didn’t think it was a tanglebrain because tanglebrains didn’t run. They were too crazy to want to run.

To better gauge the situation, Sky polaroided sideways towards where the sound was— real fast, then back to his lap. The picture barely had time to develop: it was a very-short person, maybe a kid like him. It was running kinda towards him, kinda not. Running bent forward like his head was a battering ram. On his head was a Halloween monster mask with a roaring blue-green lizard face with rubber teeth and tongue included, though the rubber on one side of the face was partially melted and collapsed. The weird plastic face turned into black fuzz for the rest of the mask, starting from the forehead, like hair. It was one of those whole-head masks. There were tiny eyeholes for the person to see out of, too, but there was no way they lined up properly with the eyes. The mask person was very very close to the station wagon by the time the brain-polaroid had finished developing in Sky’s head. Not a moment later he heard the mask person smash headfirst into the side of the car, then collapse into the sand.

“Hey,” Sky yelled. “Did you die?”

It was a kid who responded. Sky thought maybe he was as old as Joey. “No. Come with me.” His words came hollow from beneath the big rubber jaw.

“I’m gonna play with Joey.”

“Are those your family?” said Mask.

“Yeah. What’s your name?”

“Hector. And your family is cuckoo, you can’t play with them. Come with me to my dad in the trailer.”

“Don’t say that.”

“They’re cuckoo,” said Hector. “Just look at them! Actually don’t.”

“Don’t say that,” but by then Sky was already out of the car and following Hector away from the car and the park. Toward the trees. Hector ran in a weird snake pattern but Sky managed to keep behind him by staring at the heels of his shoes. They were brand new Jordans that were too big for him. Behind, Sky heard the squeak of the swings as his older brother changed his grip on the chains.

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I wanted to kick the new year off with a subject near and dear to my heart: moths that make you go insane.

To catch up with the Crazy Moths franchise, check out the other installments!

Crazy Moths (Crazy Moths I)

It is I Who Lick the Garbage (Crazy Moths II)

Billy Wiff (Crazy Moths III)

December 31, 2012

Flash Fiction: “Leap in Literacy”

by Derek Osedach

Leap in Literacy

Jert kept his word. After dinner the lessons began. First it was kiddie books with the really big words that you could read from the other side of the room in the dark if you already knew how to read. Stowaway Lahluu followed the words with her finger. It was like a car driving on crazy roads. She tried to sound out the sounds but got too distracted watching her finger, so she had to wait for Jert to sound out most of the word and then she’d just finish it for him. But soon she learned to stop with the finger and focus on what sounds the letters made. She read through a book about a baby Death Dog with Jert only filling in sounds once in a while. Gradually she got through the books with less and less Jert until she read a whole book all by herself.

Copyright 2012 Derek Osedach

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I dedicate this epic tale to all my Americorps friends.

Need more Jert? Follow this link.

December 27, 2012

Flash Fiction: “Box of Peaches”

by Derek Osedach

Box of Peaches

box of peachesEnsign Dan sat at the washing machine which was covered in a cut-open v-neck tee shirt stretched into a tablecloth. The thick slices of spacespam lay in rows on a chipped serving dish. Ensign Dan took three slices on his plate and poured his catfood tin full of orange juice. He fished a clump of catfood out of the juice.

C15 came in and sat down opposite him. “It’s better if you scrub off all the leftover catfood bits before you used it as a cup,” he explained. “This way it doesn’t flavor the juice.”

“I like how I do it,” lied Dan. He picked another bit of catfood and flicked it away.

At about that time his captain came in then and Ensign Dan could tell by the distant look in his eyes that he’d been reading Spaceman Shenanigans again, but Dan wanted to know for sure. With his foot he slid the crate of peaches from nearby the washing machine into his captain’s walkin’ path. His oblivious captain walked smack into the crate and fell headlong onto the washing machine, planting his face into the tray of spam.

Ensign Dan jumped up from his seat, infuriated by the consequence of his own unnecessary experiment. “Why’d you go and do that?”

His captain, Jert, climbed back up to his feet. He shook clean his prescription sunglass and wiped a huge glob of spam from his face onto the floor, all of which Ensign Dan thought was a waste of spam. “Well who the hell put the peaches right in the middle of where we walk?” Jert never liked it very much when it was time to return from his daydreams.

“It was C15,” said Dan. “I saw him.”

C15 didn’t pipe in, as Dan knew he wouldn’t. C15 was a cyborg, and was bound by the Three Laws of Robotics. Or at least that’s what the fellow seemed to think. It was highly debatable as to whether or not the fabled Three Laws of Robotics applied also to cyborgs—regular people with some robotic enhancements. But C15, for whatever reason, seemed convinced this was the case. My point being: C15 knew that to contradict Dan would be to risk breaking the coveted First Law of Robotics—No Robot Shall Ever Harm a Human. If C15 revealed Dan to be lying, Jert Zylan would surely smack Dan in the back of the head, and this would most definitely harm Dan.

Ensign Dan made sure to take advantage of this Three Laws stuff every chance he got. Got him out of quite a few scrapes.

Jert wiped some more spam from his face as he turned to C15. “Is this true? Did you move the peaches?”

C15 spent a moment projecting the “harm” that would ensue if he simply played along with Dan’s selfish game. Lying to a human could be harmful in its own ways. But, ultimately, C15 decided that lying to Jert would harm Jert to a far lesser degree than telling the truth to Jert would harm Dan. “Yes,” said C15. “It was me.”

Jert gave him a long, disgusted look. “I swear you’re defective. As soon as I find the receipt I’m taking you back. You’re still under warranty, you know.”

But Jert would never find the receipt because Ensign Dan had long ago crumpled it into a little ball and flushed it down the toilet. He’d had to flush three times because it got stuck. It was a constant fear of his that Jert would one day replace C15 with another cyborg, and that that one would be well aware he didn’t have to follow any stupid robot laws. Dan knew that without the Three Laws of Robotics, he, and not C15, would be the scapegoat of the group. Things as they were, he was perfectly secure in his position as vice-scapegoat.

Once Jert sat down all the spacespam disappeared rapidly. Ensign Dan followed the other two across the control room to the command station, where the dusty computer was. He listened as they came up with an idea for where they should go and C15 typed some commands into the old yellowing keyboard and Jert gave the order to engage engines at maximum blast. They had decided to visit the planet of Sacktown. Rumor had it there were huge deposits of quartz in the mountains there, and the robot parts of C15 needed quartz in the same way the other parts of him needed spam. Ensign Dan had also heard tell of a terrible terrible beast that roamed the prairies there, but he didn’t think to mention this to his friends.

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This story is a prequel to Jert Zylan vs. The Cytard. Check it out!

December 19, 2012

Crazy Moths: Billy Wiff

by Derek Osedach

Crazy Moths: Billy Wiff (Crazy Moths III)

wiffhouseAt daybreak Billy Wiff stumbled out the front door of his parents’ house and stood for a moment staring off into the quiet neighborhood. He was a scrawny, pale-skinned boy with a large dimple on his left cheek, with callused fingers, dented and white at the tips from playing sad songs on the guitar about his family. His eyes were an unfocused brown and the hair that flopped thick in the breeze was plenty long enough to cover much of his face. Billy was playing with the collar of his too-big leather coat. He popped the collar up in the back and folded it back down again. The coat belong to his father and had a collar that was good to pop up at the back of the neck if you could get it right. When he finally got it how he liked it, Billy’s posture deteriorated fluidly into a brooding slouch. This was automatic. Also automatic: he pulled out a pack of Marlboro Reds from his pocket and put one to his lips and lit it. But he’d put it in backwards and when he tried to inhale there was a weird hiss and a bubbling smelltaste. This was something that happened occasionally, because he was nearsighted to the point where he was considered legally blind, and a cigarette was just a uniform white stick to him. After he finished coughing he tried the whole thing again and got it right. Then with cigarette dangling from bottom lip he walked across the front yard to the big black car of his grandma. He maintained a bad boy swagger because he wasn’t afraid of the moths that he could feel, even then, fluttering all around him. He wasn’t afraid because he was too blind to see the bad designs on their wings. He couldn’t see far and he couldn’t see close. Since he’d stomped his bifocals to smithereens two months ago on the back patio, he’d begun to forget even what his own face looked like. Everything he did either by generalizing colorful shapes, or simply by touch. He found the doorhandle of the 77 Malibu Classic and let himself into the car, and he had hardly settled in when a bone-chilling crash of metal and glass came from somewhere over the trees, a few streets down. Some poor fool who’d managed to keep his wits all the way up until now, maybe by wearing blindfolds; or locking himself in the basement, eating dry rice from a sack; had decided finally to venture out into the daylight and take his chances with the moths. Billy wondered if it was someone he knew from high school, and then started the engine and put the car in drive so he could get more smokes. By now he’d memorized his way around the greenish sliding blur that was his neighborhood, all the way to the gas station, and he had no reason to suspect that today’s cigarette run would unfold any differently than any other day.

Copyright 2012 Derek Osedach

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Catch up with the Crazy Moths serial before it starts getting particularly wild:

Crazy Moths

It is I Who Lick the Garbage (Crazy Moths II)

December 10, 2012

Life Before Smartphones: Official Quiz

by Derek Osedach

Scantron FormOkay, today’s the big day! All textbooks and notebooks under your desks. Eyes on your own work. Double check and make sure your pencil is a Number 2 (but if you’re only packing a number 3 or 4, that’s fine too). We’ve been studying for weeks now. This is where your hard work pays off. This will be a really short quiz, only one question, so I expect that we’ll all be done before recess. If you pass, you will be officially certified in knowing that life is more convenient with Smartphones. This can be a real resume booster, so how about let’s take this a little seriously.

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Please feel free to share the gift of learning with your loved ones this holiday season by demanding they click on each of the following links and hit “like” on all of them. If you do this for me I will be happy to make some favorable adjustments to your score on the quiz.

Introduction

Angry Birds

Booty Call

Taking Down a Girl’s Number

Taking Snapshots

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City

December 6, 2012

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

NYCGrid

Life Before Smartphones 5 of 5: Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the days before Smartphones

Let’s say you’re driving in a city you never visited before—feeling cool and confident and hip—and then, when it’s time to go home and tell the tribe of your daring adventure, you discover you’re not quite the homing pigeon you thought you were. You haven’t got a clue how to escape the madness of the busy streets, back to the peace and quiet of your nice little suburb!

Well, without a Smartphone to provide you with extremely detailed directions via GPS satellite, you’d have to reach into your leather satchel and pull out a fresh roll of parchment and, with quill pen, start compiling a hand-drawn map while you methodically drive through every street in the city one by one. If you’re fastidious enough you’ll eventually end up with a basic idiot’s map of the entire city. Of course, a city map wouldn’t mean anything to you by itself. It’s just squiggles and lines. Very confusing. You’d have to study the map for hours, searching for patterns in civic engineering that might suggest where the ancient city planners intended for the primary flow of traffic to enter and exit the bustling prospective metropolis. Then you could merely visit these points one by one until you found the on-ramp to the freeway.

I can pretty much guess, verbatim, what you’re thinking: oh, those clever pre-Smartphone humans! Getting from Point A to Point B was so much simpler and easier back in their day! We sure could learn a thing or two from their long lost, yet surprisingly-well-developed navigational methods! The old ways are the best ways, so on and so forth.  But are they? Let’s think about this for a minute or two, Readers. Yeah, sure, at first glance it certainly appears that in the days before Smartphones, if push came to shove, people sure knew how to find their way out of a big city. But if you really sit down and think about it for more than a few seconds, it starts to become evident that the methods described in the above paragraph are rather old fashioned and unreliable. I mean, put yourself in their place. What we’ve discussed demands an awful lot of logical thinking on your part, and if you got so terribly lost in the city in the first place you’re not exactly tommy-gunning me with confidence here. I mean, are you really going to be able to logically analyze a hand-drawn city map and get on the same mental wavelength as 200-years-dead Harvard-educated builders and city- engineers? More than likely you’d get bored and start drawing squiggle lines all around the border of your map. And hearts. In some extreme cases, you’d do this until you starved.

No. No, I’m pretty sure finding your way out of a big city is much easier with a Smartphone by your side. You can just plug in your home address and the Smartphone will tell you exactly how to weave your way out of the scary city and get there.

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Nobody cry, but that about wraps up our 5-part educational series “Life Before Smartphones.” If you have studied hard and read every article in the series, you are probably qualified to know whether or not life was more convenient before or after Smartphones. And—though I’d love to take your word for it—there will be a brief quiz in the following post to help reinforce what we have learned. But don’t sweat it; though I will not release an official “study guide,” you can prepare for the quiz by re-reading and “liking” all five lessons, twice.

Don’t screw this up. I’ll even make it easy for you. Here are the links to every post in this groundbreaking educational series:

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds”

Making a Late Night “Booty Call”

Taking Down a Girl’s Number

Taking Snapshots

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City

I cannot talk to you anymore until after the quiz.

December 3, 2012

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

Life Before Smartphones 4 of 5: Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones   

lincolnBack in the days before Smartphones, in order to take a “snapshot” of your friend—without having to endure the inconvenience of lugging around a digital camera everywhere you went—you had to carry under your armpit a silver-coated copper plate (sensitized with chloride of iodine and chloride of bromine); have your friend sit in a spot where there is plenty of light; find a way to expose the copper plate for only a few seconds (you might need to quickly improvise some kind of camera-chassis); and then take the plate to a darkroom and bring out the image with heated mercury. Not done yet! Then you’d need to “fix” the image by bathing the plate in hyposulphate of soda. After that, you’d have to wash the plate in distilled water. Once it dried, you’d have an old-fashioned “daguerreotype” of your goofy friend giving you the finger.

I know what you’re thinking: the more things change, the more they stay the same. But guess what. You’re wrong. Really, there’s no comparison whatsoever to creating a daguerreotype  and taking an 8 megapixel photograph on your Samsung Galaxy S III. I don’t know about you, but all this daguerreotype business seems like a lot of work for a lame image of your friend nobody cares about in the first place. These days it’s so much simpler. Instead of doing all those things I described in the above paragraph, you can just use the camera on your cell phone! It’s already in your pocket anyway! And—should you be so inclined—there’s probably even a convenient “daguerreotype” filter available for instagram.

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If you want to further your education, please check out the other “lessons” in this series. And be sure to check back in for the final lesson!

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

November 30, 2012

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

Life Before Smartphones 3 of 5: Taking Down a Girl’s Number (While You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

first_date_965804_xlargeIn the days before Smartphones, if you were drunk and you wanted to take down a girl’s number, you couldn’t rely on your memory alone.  Even if you weren’t drunk, that’s still way too many numbers.  No, you’d have to spontaneously devise some kind of complex memory system that utilizes all of your nearby friends. Example: each drunken knucklehead could be trusted to memorize one digit of the overall phone number. The following day you could gather your friends and line them up against the wall like the Usual Suspects, and theoretically you’d have the complete phone number standing there before your eyes.

Sounds reasonable enough, right? Necessity is the mother of invention, blah blah blah? Not really. Not this time. Right off the bat I can think of a few major problems with this technique. First of all, to pull this off you’d need a minimum of ten friends in the first place, which I can tell you probably don’t have. Second: just because your inebriated friends were able to remember their assigned number, how are they supposed to know what order to stand in when you line them up against the wall? You’d have to shuffle them around again and again and try so many combinations, you’d practically be better off pulling out the phone book and calling all the numbers one by one starting from the beginning! Man, having a trusty cell phone in your pocket really makes things easier—just save her number to your contacts and you’re done!

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If you want to further your education, please check out the other “lessons” in this series. And be sure to check back in for next week’s lesson!

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

November 27, 2012

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

Life Before Smartphones 2 of 5: Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the days before Smart Phones

In order to make a drunken booty call at 3:05am—in the days before we had smartphones—you had to open your second-floor bedroom window, stick your head out as far as you could without falling into the rose bushes below, and, praying your slurred words might carry all the way ‘cross town along the cool twilight breeze,  scream the following phrase at the top of your lungs: “HEY JACKIE!!!” Long pause to steady your wobbling knees, catch your breath and collect a second load of air into your chest, and then, for all you’re worth, cry into the darkness: “SUP?”

I know what you’re thinking: they had it all figured out in the days before Smartphones. Clever lads. Turned lemons into lemonade yadda yadda yadda. But, really, this was a terrible way to make a booty call, and I’ll tell you why. When people did this they used to wake up half the neighborhood! And what happens if Jackie should decide simply to ignore your “text?” Suddenly all the same people you just woke up now realize you’re an even a bigger loser than before, because now they know you’re not getting laid tonight! You’re just sad and drunk and lonely! Much, much easier to make a late night booty call with a Smartphone. More privacy when you get rejected!

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If you want to further your education, please check out the other “lessons” in this series. And be sure to check back in for next week’s lesson!

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

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