Archive for ‘Editorial’

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May 12, 2013

Please Feed My Blogfish

by Derek Osedach

Please Feed My Blogfish

These are the words for the blogfish. The blogfish is a special kind of fish that only lives in blogwords. It uses them like water, drawing oxygen from their awkwardness. You probably haven’t noticed, but the old blogfish, Patrick II, died of starvation very shortly after I published his original blogpost; and that, immediately afterwards, I’d surreptitiously replaced that poor soul with a new fish that is kinda the same size and color (black & white). The first one was murdered. By you. By your negligence. Even after I Patrick IIIwent out of my way to say that blogfish eat “likes” and “user comments” and new “follows,” very few readers gave that post a like, and/or a comment. Nor, on the occasion of that particular post, did practicallyserious.com garner a single new follower. I wasn’t asking for much. I mean, a single follow would have kept the blogfish alive for almost a year! And if that’s me being greedy, then what about this: a single user comment would have kept the blogfish alive for at least six or seven months. That would have been plenty of time for the poor little guy to have a decent life of eating and swimming and pooping. So, in the name of all that is holy, help me keep New  Blogfish alive. At least “like” this post. That’ll get him out of the starting gate.

If you would like to donate a comment, but don’t know what to write about, then how about trying to help me come up with an official name for New Blogfish? Or else I’ll just call him Patrick III.

Read about my ill-fated first blogfish here!

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy | 2 Comments »

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May 4, 2013

Easy Alternatives to “At the End of the Day…”

by Derek Osedach

Easy Alternatives to the Phrase “At the End of the Day…”

attheendofthedayPeople say it too much. Period. “We can talk about this until we’re blue in the face, but, at the end of the day…yadda yadda yadda.” You hear it every day, sometimes twice in the same sentence. And I’m not joking. On one strange occasion, I literally heard it said twice in the same run-on sentence. I’d reproduce that sentence for you but, for the life of me, I can’t remember exactly how it went. Nor, for all of my creative powers, can I imagineer a realistic stand-in sentence; it would just sound too goofy. All I know is that it happened. And that afterwards I took a very hot shower. As hot as I could stand it.

No. It doesn’t make you sound smart. It doesn’t make you sound like a successful businessman. It just makes you sound like you’re trying to sound like your dad (and succeeding).

Trust me, I’ve been observing this phenomenon over the past few years and, at the end of the day, I’ve found that people abuse the hell out of this phrase. It’s like they aren’t aware of the so many other, more colorful ways to communicate the exact same sentiment.

I decided to offer my readers a list of sturdy alternatives to this overused phrase. Please do us all a favor. Dare to be different. If you want to say “at the end of the day,” just go ahead and substitute in one of the following phrases.

Easy Alternatives to the Overused Phrase “At the End of the Day…”

  • When the dust settles…
  • When all is said and done…
  • When the shoe’s on the other foot…
  • When push comes to shove…
  • When the fat lady sings…
  • When it comes to the showdown…
  • When the fat lady comes to the showdown…
  • When the smoke clears…
  • When Dr. Grant decides not to endorse Jurassic Park…

One more thing. While writing this article I racked my brain to come up with the most offensive overuse of “At the end of the day” possible. I basically held a one-person Manhattan Project tasked with splitting the “At the end of the day” atom. Here is what I came up with.

“I mean, I know it seems like he says it all the time, but, at the end of the day, Philip ‘At the End of the Day’ McArthur usually says ‘at the end of the day’ at the end of the day.”

Readers: if you feel you can out-“At the end of the Day” me, please give it a shot. At the end of the day you will fail, but I like a good challenge!

___

Learn how I feel about people who call you “boss!”

Posted in Editorial, Lists, Practically Humorous, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

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April 29, 2013

My Blog-Post is Getting Married!

by Derek Osedach

My Blog-Post is Getting Married!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement to make. Two of my most “visited” blog posts have decided to do the right thing and make it official. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about 8 Reasons Men Keep Their Eyes Open When Making Out With Women and 8 Reasons Women Close Their Eyes When Kissed, the blogosphere’s favorite blog-post couple. And yes, I’m talking about marriage. Those of you who have been following the tabloids probably know by now that these two posts have been getting pretty serious over the last few months, and now, I’m so very pleased to announce, 8 Reasons Men Keep Their Eyes Open When Making Out With Women has decided to “put a ring on it.” I guess he’s scared of some other blog post showing up and stealing 8 Reasons Women Close Their Eyes When Kissed away from him. This consuming fear has nudged him into a whole new world of responsibility and commitment. Quite frankly, I’m shocked. I didn’t think he had it in him. I thought he valued his identity, his freedom, but I guess that kind of stuff doesn’t matter to him anymore. (Between me, you and the wall, I think he’s thinking with the “wrong head,” but that’s just my opinion.)

Anywho, the wedding is going to happen pretty soon now. The happy couple won’t give me an exact date; they’re going all Brad and Angelina on me. But when it goes down we’ll be here to invade the ceremony and give you all the details. What color will she wear? Who will he pick to be his best blog? Stay tuned folks!

Get caught up with all the latest gossip…

Read 8 Reasons Men Keep Their Eyes Open While Making Out with Women!

Read 8 Reasons Women Close Their Eyes When Kissed!

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous, Relationships, Unorthodoxy | 4 Comments »

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April 24, 2013

When There’s a Contact Lens Lost Inside Your Head

by Derek Osedach

When There’s a Contact Lens Lost Inside Your Head

contact1Anyone who wears contacts probably has dealt this particular scenario at some point or another. You’re ready to turn in for the night. You take contact lens #1 out of your
left eye and drop it into the appropriate side of the little contact lens container thing. So far so good. No problems. But now it’s time to deal with the other eye. This one doesn’t go so easy.

The contact doesn’t want to come out. It feels like it’s been blow-torched in there, fused to your eyeball. There’s no apparent line of demarcation between where the contact lens ends and the eye begins. With your dirty fingers you fiddle around in there, trying to catch a solid grip on that stubborn thing so you could peel it off and go to bed. No luck. And then you come to the horrific realization that you can’t grip the lens because it isn’t there anymore. It’s gone! Been gone for a while! At some point early on in your extraction mission your clumsy fingers must have somehow shifted the lens’ position on your eyeball just enough so that it slid back into your eye socket. You realize with horror that the lens is now floating somewhere on or around your brain, floating in the liquids of your head like Dennis Quaid’s miniature submarine in the sweet ‘80s film, Inner Space.

innerspaceYou feel powerless. You feel violated. You wonder: will it stay in there forever? Will it settle down somewhere it’s not supposed to be and cause you to hallucinate, start seeing giant glass domes everywhere you look?

And, most importantly, you’ll want to know…

How do I get this rogue contact lens out of my head?

As always, practicallyserious.com has the information you require. Here are three effective ways to get that rogue contact lens out of your head.

3 Things to Do When There’s a Contact Lens Lost Inside Your Head

  • Sneeze it Out This one pretty much speaks for itself. Just sneeze the thing out of your nose! Do like they do in the cartoons: grab a big fluffy feather and tickle your nose with it until you start to sneeze uncontrollably. Nine out of ten times this will solve the problem. If the feather doesn’t get you sneezing quite violently enough, go ahead and develop a cat allergy and then grab the nearest American Longhair and rub it all over your face like it’s Oxy 10. Keep doing this until you blast the contact lens right out of your nostril onto the coffee table next to the coffee mug you use all the time and never rinse out. Just try to remember, at least, to rinse the lens, preferably before you put it back in your eye.Self-cleaning-oven-display
  • Burn it Off  This suggestion draws inspiration from the modern-day marvel of self-cleaning ovens. If you can get the inner temperature of your head hot enough, anything that’s not supposed to be there will eventually disintegrate, turn to ash. And no, I don’t mean stick your head in an oven. That would be stupid. I’m talking about drinking a lot of coffee—three or four pots—and then trying your very very best to imagine a sequel to the nonsensical, rambling, clearly-improvised science fiction movie, Prometheus, that would somehow make the first one make sense and be cool. If you focus all of your hypercaffeinated brainpower on this unsolvable brain paradox, your inner head-temperature will quickly start to heat up in the same way an overclocked CPU will overheat on a PC when you have too many programs running. If you can get your brain hot enough, the rogue contact lens will soon disappear in a quick puff of smoke.
  • Watch a Michael Bay Movie  Okay, so, you know how if you detonate a thermonuclear device in the upper atmosphere it’ll send a static electric charge that will short out anything with an electric circuit directly beneath it (if not, please refer to the James Bond movie, Goldeneye)? Well that’s kinda like what happens in your brain when you watch any movie directed by Michael Bay. It pretty much shorts out your entire head, cleans the slate, kinda like doing a factory reset on your mobile device. In theory, such a major brain reset will remove anything in/on your brain that wasn’t there when you came off the assembly line. Yes, we’re talking about you, Rogue Contact Lens. You will be deleted like a corrupted Google Play app.

Read another classic article!

Learn about my landmark contact lens invention!

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous, Unorthodoxy | Leave a Comment »

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April 3, 2013

Blogging Phenomenon: “Darkcontent”

by Derek Osedach

Simulated Large Hadron Collider CMS particle detection data indicating the presence of “darkcontent” in practicallyserious.com’s archives.

In a controversial paper published earlier today, practicallyserious Space Agency (PSSA) astrophysicist Leo Foley offers what he considers mathematical proof of a blogging phenomenon known as “darkcontent.” Darkcontent has long been considered a possible explanation for why practicallyserious.com is able to exist for extended periods of time without offering any new blog posts. A relatively new idea in blogging-physics, darkcontent’s existence is inferred from gravitational effects on visible blog content and gravitational lensing of background wordpress radiation, and was originally hypothesized to account for discrepancies between calculations of the mass and quality of practicallyserious.com’s archive, considered in the context of how long the blog has been in existence.

“Basically, there’s a major discrepancy between how long this particular blog has been in existence, and the general quality and quantity of the writing,” said Foley during a Q & A held after his initial presentation of his findings. “Something doesn’t add up. No writer can remain mediocre for so long without showing at least marginal improvement. This is common sense. Even without trying, the writer would have to improve, if only a little bit. Well, my latest series of experiments at the Large Hadron Collider in Cern suggest that this blog has, indeed, gotten better, a lot better, only we can’t see it. Therefore I propose there are well-written, high quality posts hidden in those ever-growing gaps between the real blog posts. We have no physical proof of their quality, yet we can infer their existence by the massive blocks of time between each new post. Gravitationally and creatively speaking, they must be there, or else the blog would simply fly apart.”

Foley boldly suggests that darkcontent may account for over 99% of practicallyserious.com’s total mass. “The good stuff is there, I’m tellin ya. We have the numbers to prove it, we just don’t have the technology to see it. Yet.” According to Foley, there’s still hope that practicallyserious.com can one day be a top notch, world-class blog. “Darkcontent is waiting, lads, waiting to be discovered, and it’s high quality stuff. It’s funny as hell, or, at the very least, decently-written. If we can better understand it, we may be able to one day see it, harness it, bring it to the foreground with the rest of practicallyserious.com’s sporadic ‘lightcontent.’

For more practicallyserious.com Space Agency antics, check out this story:

“Creativity” Rover Cleared for Launch 

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous, Practically Serious News | Leave a Comment »

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March 9, 2013

“Spinning” Published

by Derek Osedach

I’ve recently enjoyed my first publication, a short story I wrote (originally intended for this very blog) called “Spinning.” It was accepted and published by Monkeybicycle.net — check it out here: “Spinning”

Poor practicallyserious.com! Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Whenever I write blogfictions I particularly like, I end up not posting them at all, with hopes of publishing them elsewhere. Though some online magazines will happily accept previously published stories (many magazines consider stories posted on personal blogs to be “published”) and that is how I had a version of the story “Green Thumb” published at eHorror. So, in that case at least, practicallyserious.com sort of got some.

_____

Check out “Green Thumb” here, or even here!

Posted in Editorial | 2 Comments »

January 21, 2013

Search Engine Optimization: A Novel

by Derek Osedach

Search Engine Optimization: A Novel

Chapter 1. Latest Tablet Computers asks his father why he named his son ‘Latest Tablet Computers,’ and is then attacked by 100% Natural Penis Enlargement Ads.

Latest Tablet Computers Jr., a shy little boy of ten, with a soft mop of brown hair that horsetailed sometimes into his bright hazel eyes, had always wondered why his father saw fit to haze him with such a silly name. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, a highly respected lecturer on the subject of SEO (Search Engine Optimization), himself had an equally peculiar name, and this too had always been a point of curiosity for his precocious son. Finally, one day, while playing the best version Angry Birds on his tablet computer, Latest Tablet Computers Jr. couldn’t bear it any longer and finally addressed the issue with his dad. With great effort, he pried his eyes from the tablet computer and said to his father, “Father, why did you name me Latest Tablet Computers Jr. when you could have just as easily named me Raymond?”

Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, a very serious man who was never known to pass over an opportunity to throw down some good, manly fathering, squatted low into his son’s domain and said, “Sweetheart, it’s all about SEO. It’s about repetition.” Indeed, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers was also the type of man who thought it was acceptable to refer to his son as “sweetheart,” as if the boy was an adorable girl. And Latest Tablet Computers Jr. somehow failed to find this emasculating. “You have to learn to tune your mind to how the big search engines,” continued Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, “like Google and Yahoo! and Bing crawl the internet. You have to think like a robot does.”

“Yes,” said Latest Tablet Computers Jr., his face glowing blue from the flickering screen of his tablet computer, “But I’m a boy, not a blog post. I’m not something that needs to be optimized for Google or Bing.” And then, quite unexpectedly, Latest Tablet Computers’ eyes flashed big and wide. His jaw dropped in wooden terror. A bunch of 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads had suddenly popped up (pun intended) on the screen of his tablet computer. A moment too late, Latest Tablet Computers Jr. averted his eyes from the tablet computer and started to cry.

Chapter 2. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers rescues his son from the attack of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement Ads, but sadly cannot rescue himself.

“Sweetheart!” Mr. Latest Tablet Computers swooped down and yoinked the tablet computer from Latest Tablet Computers Jr.’s hands and, one by one, began to close out all of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads. Except, while he did this, he couldn’t help but notice some particularly flashy wording in one of the ads. It seemed to suggest, in a very confident font, that a man’s wife would really respect him if his penis was 100% naturally enlarged; and so Mr. Latest Tablet Computers, in one fluid motion, whipped out his credit card and ordered some 100% Natural Penis Enlargement pills. Though, even while feverishly typing in his account number, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers wondered what the term ‘100% Natural Penis Enlargement’ even meant. If it was so 100% natural, how was it any different from what he could do himself with the lingerie section of the Sears catalog? Still, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers ordered the pills, then closed out the remaining 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads and handed the tablet computer to Latest Tablet Computers Jr. so the boy could continue playing the best version of Angry Birds.

Chapter 3. Mr. Latest Tablet Computers lectures his son about how all those ‘Top Ten Ways to Optimize Your Blog for Search Engines’ represent only half the battle, and tells him what all of this has to do with why he named his son Latest Tablet Computers Jr.

Later on in the afternoon, Mr. Latest Tablet Computers took a long nutty sip of his coffee, and then said to his son, “Latest Tablet Computers Jr., listen up. I say it in all my lectures. If a blogger is ever going to be truly effective at SEO, he can’t just read one of those ‘Top Ten Ways to Optimize Your Blog for SEO’ and then suddenly think he knows all about how to optimize his blog for search engines. Those ‘top 10’ things are only a means to an end. You must practice practice practice until SEO comes as naturally to you as breathing. SEO must become part of you; you must ooze Top Ten SEO techniques from your pores. When you look at your skin with a microscope you must see little tiny bubbling vats of SEO.” Mr. Latest Tablet Computers shrugged his shoulders, his point being made. “So, naturally, when it came time to name you, dear boy, I simply had to go with an attention-getting keyword, a search engine darling. I had no choice. Nor did my own father, Attorney General Latest Tablet Computers. SEO isn’t some collection of cheap tricks to draw random internet traffic to your lonely web page. It’s a lifestyle.”

Chapter 4. A slightly altered version of Chapter 2 which shamelessly recycles that content, offering no new information about our characters.

Mr. Latest Tablet Computers snatched the tablet computer from Latest Tablet Computers Jr.’s hands and patiently closed out all of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads. While he did this, one of the flashiest ads lassoed his eyeballs, and before he knew it he’d gotten out his credit card and ordered some 100% Natural Penis Enlargement pills. Apparently they’re the real deal. Yet, even while Mr. Latest Tablet Computers typed in the numbers of his Visa credit card, he wondered what the term ‘100% Natural Penis Enlargement’ even meant. Did this mean they would simply send him a Victoria’s Secret catalog and say “Have fun”? Then he closed out the rest of the 100% Natural Penis Enlargement ads and handed the tablet computer to Latest Tablet Computers Jr. so the boy could continue playing the best version of Angry Birds.

———

Sometimes, hoping to discover new ways to increase internet traffic to practicallyserious.com, I check out random blog posts that have to do with SEO. Usually these posts come in a “top ten tips” kinda format (like this one); and, though helpful, if you’ve read one you’ve read them all. Seems like one of the go-to techniques is simple repetition of search-friendly phrases. Reiteration. This isn’t all that hard to pull off, especially if you have one of those Martha Stewart-kinda informative blogs. However, I have yet to find one that recognizes the existence of blogs that deal mostly with fiction and prose. How are flash-fiction-friendly blogs supposed to optimize their content for search engines? Is it even possible? So, as an experiment, I wrote Search Engine Optimization: A Novel.  Bring on the traffic!

Posted in Editorial, Fiction | Leave a Comment »

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December 10, 2012

Life Before Smartphones: Official Quiz

by Derek Osedach

Scantron FormOkay, today’s the big day! All textbooks and notebooks under your desks. Eyes on your own work. Double check and make sure your pencil is a Number 2 (but if you’re only packing a number 3 or 4, that’s fine too). We’ve been studying for weeks now. This is where your hard work pays off. This will be a really short quiz, only one question, so I expect that we’ll all be done before recess. If you pass, you will be officially certified in knowing that life is more convenient with Smartphones. This can be a real resume booster, so how about let’s take this a little seriously.

_______________

Please feel free to share the gift of learning with your loved ones this holiday season by demanding they click on each of the following links and hit “like” on all of them. If you do this for me I will be happy to make some favorable adjustments to your score on the quiz.

Introduction

Angry Birds

Booty Call

Taking Down a Girl’s Number

Taking Snapshots

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City

Posted in Editorial, Practically Humorous | 2 Comments »

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December 6, 2012

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

NYCGrid

Life Before Smartphones 5 of 5: Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the days before Smartphones

Let’s say you’re driving in a city you never visited before—feeling cool and confident and hip—and then, when it’s time to go home and tell the tribe of your daring adventure, you discover you’re not quite the homing pigeon you thought you were. You haven’t got a clue how to escape the madness of the busy streets, back to the peace and quiet of your nice little suburb!

Well, without a Smartphone to provide you with extremely detailed directions via GPS satellite, you’d have to reach into your leather satchel and pull out a fresh roll of parchment and, with quill pen, start compiling a hand-drawn map while you methodically drive through every street in the city one by one. If you’re fastidious enough you’ll eventually end up with a basic idiot’s map of the entire city. Of course, a city map wouldn’t mean anything to you by itself. It’s just squiggles and lines. Very confusing. You’d have to study the map for hours, searching for patterns in civic engineering that might suggest where the ancient city planners intended for the primary flow of traffic to enter and exit the bustling prospective metropolis. Then you could merely visit these points one by one until you found the on-ramp to the freeway.

I can pretty much guess, verbatim, what you’re thinking: oh, those clever pre-Smartphone humans! Getting from Point A to Point B was so much simpler and easier back in their day! We sure could learn a thing or two from their long lost, yet surprisingly-well-developed navigational methods! The old ways are the best ways, so on and so forth.  But are they? Let’s think about this for a minute or two, Readers. Yeah, sure, at first glance it certainly appears that in the days before Smartphones, if push came to shove, people sure knew how to find their way out of a big city. But if you really sit down and think about it for more than a few seconds, it starts to become evident that the methods described in the above paragraph are rather old fashioned and unreliable. I mean, put yourself in their place. What we’ve discussed demands an awful lot of logical thinking on your part, and if you got so terribly lost in the city in the first place you’re not exactly tommy-gunning me with confidence here. I mean, are you really going to be able to logically analyze a hand-drawn city map and get on the same mental wavelength as 200-years-dead Harvard-educated builders and city- engineers? More than likely you’d get bored and start drawing squiggle lines all around the border of your map. And hearts. In some extreme cases, you’d do this until you starved.

No. No, I’m pretty sure finding your way out of a big city is much easier with a Smartphone by your side. You can just plug in your home address and the Smartphone will tell you exactly how to weave your way out of the scary city and get there.

__________

Nobody cry, but that about wraps up our 5-part educational series “Life Before Smartphones.” If you have studied hard and read every article in the series, you are probably qualified to know whether or not life was more convenient before or after Smartphones. And—though I’d love to take your word for it—there will be a brief quiz in the following post to help reinforce what we have learned. But don’t sweat it; though I will not release an official “study guide,” you can prepare for the quiz by re-reading and “liking” all five lessons, twice.

Don’t screw this up. I’ll even make it easy for you. Here are the links to every post in this groundbreaking educational series:

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds”

Making a Late Night “Booty Call”

Taking Down a Girl’s Number

Taking Snapshots

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City

I cannot talk to you anymore until after the quiz.

Posted in Editorial, Lists, Practically Humorous | 1 Comment »

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December 3, 2012

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

by Derek Osedach

Life Before Smartphones 4 of 5: Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones   

lincolnBack in the days before Smartphones, in order to take a “snapshot” of your friend—without having to endure the inconvenience of lugging around a digital camera everywhere you went—you had to carry under your armpit a silver-coated copper plate (sensitized with chloride of iodine and chloride of bromine); have your friend sit in a spot where there is plenty of light; find a way to expose the copper plate for only a few seconds (you might need to quickly improvise some kind of camera-chassis); and then take the plate to a darkroom and bring out the image with heated mercury. Not done yet! Then you’d need to “fix” the image by bathing the plate in hyposulphate of soda. After that, you’d have to wash the plate in distilled water. Once it dried, you’d have an old-fashioned “daguerreotype” of your goofy friend giving you the finger.

I know what you’re thinking: the more things change, the more they stay the same. But guess what. You’re wrong. Really, there’s no comparison whatsoever to creating a daguerreotype  and taking an 8 megapixel photograph on your Samsung Galaxy S III. I don’t know about you, but all this daguerreotype business seems like a lot of work for a lame image of your friend nobody cares about in the first place. These days it’s so much simpler. Instead of doing all those things I described in the above paragraph, you can just use the camera on your cell phone! It’s already in your pocket anyway! And—should you be so inclined—there’s probably even a convenient “daguerreotype” filter available for instagram.

_____________

If you want to further your education, please check out the other “lessons” in this series. And be sure to check back in for the final lesson!

Life Before Smartphones

Playing “Angry Birds” in the Days Before Smartphones

Making a Late Night “Booty Call” in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Down a Girl’s Number (When You’re Hammered) in the Days Before Smartphones

Taking Snapshots (Without Having to Lug Around a Digital Camera) in the Days Before Smartphones

Navigating Your Way Out of a Big City in the Days Before Smartphones

Posted in Editorial, Lists, Practically Humorous | Leave a Comment »

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