Sarah H.: Hey, thanks for taking my email question. So, check it out. Me and my husband have been married for 23 years now and everything has been going very well. We get along very well when he’s home (sometimes he stays out extra late at night to catch up on work). Everything was great. Until last month. Last month, out of nowhere, my husband started a trend where he wears a condom every time we have sex. I mean, I’ve had my tubes tied 15 years ago. All that time: no condoms. I mean, what’s the purpose of a condom if you can’t get pregnant anyway, right? But now, after 15 years, all of a sudden he’s Mr. Safe Sex?
And it gets worse. After we do the deed, he sometimes goes into the bathroom to take a wiz and I hear him stomp his feet and howl in pain. He just screams and howls and one time I even heard him groan/scream, “What the hell was I thinking?”
Then he comes back to bed and goes to sleep, sort of shivering and rubbing himself.
What is going on here?
Practicallyserious.com: Ooh. Only one explanation to this one and I don’t think you’re going to like it. I suppose I’d better tell it to you anyway. Sarah, your husband is almost surely a Lycan (werewolf). Maybe full-blown, maybe only half-blood, I can’t quite tell. He wears the condom during sex so he doesn’t infect you with Lycan semen, which may or may not infect you with his curse. He’s new, he probably doesn’t know all of the rules yet, so he’s just trying to be safe. I’d let him keep wearing the condom if I were you.
And I got news for you: when he goes to the bathroom it’s not to pee, although he might pretend it is. Really, it’s because he feels a transformation coming on and he needs a private place in the house where he can summon all of his concentration to try to fight it back into submission. You said it yourself: he howls in pain, stomps around. Did you ever see that famous transformation scene in “An American Werewolf in London”? With your husband it’s almost exactly like that.
Sarah H. (follow-up email): Hey, I don’t think you were right about him being a werewolf, because I just shot him with regular bullets and he died. Wouldn’t he still be alive if he was a werewolf?
Practicallyserious.com: No. The whole silver bullet thing was made up for the movies, to make it harder for the werewolf hunters to kill the werewolves. Builds suspense, and it’s a good dramatic device: a nice shiny silver bullet forged out of melted family heirlooms. No, regular bullets work fine.
Sarah H.: Okay, cool.
Check out this post if you want more unorthodox sex advice.