Welcome back all you struggling casanovas! Click here to revisit part 1. Today we complete our comprehensive list of 10 household items you can use to practice making out with a girl. Why settle for smooching your hand or kissing your reflection in the bathroom mirror when there are so many better ways to do it! True, you should only try the following methods at your own risk, but then again, making out with women is a risky proposition in the first place!
6. A Live Squid. Yes. I know. All of the options in Part 1 had one thing working against them: none of them can accurately recreate the feel of something alive thrashing about inside your mouth. That’s an important part of making out with a girl—the slimy and unpredictable tongue-churning. So for practice you can basically suck on a live squid. Make sure its pointed so that the tentacles are inside your mouth and squirming against your tongue. When you are done practicing, you can go ahead and eat the squid. Protein.
7. A Dust Buster. So far none of our options have address the “sucking” part of sucking face. Not that there’s a lot of sucking going on when making out with your partner, though. I’m not really sure where the whole sucking face thing came from in the first place. But just in case your one of those anal retentive “them’s the rules” sort of people, I wanted to give you a way to practice sucking face in a way that involves actual sucking, but you must only attempt this at your own risk!
Use a dust buster, plain and simple. Make sure you brush off all the cheerios, pubes, ants, and spiders that were caught up in the mouth of the dust buster, and then simply press your lips to its lips and get you some. While you’re doing this, click the thing on full suck mode.
8. A Metal Presidential Bust. Okay. okay. You have a point there. None of my proposals even comes close to recreating the feeling of interacting with a human head. Dust busters and pickle jars and oscillating desk fans all have their advantages, sure, but real girls tend to feature an actual full-sized human head, with all the associated nooks and crannies! So what you can do is go into your dad’s study and start making out with his pewter, life-size metal bust of President George Washington. Doesn’t matter your sexual preference. It’s just a bust. It’s not an actual person.
Last time I checked, a statue is not a human. And making out with a realistically proportioned presidential bust will at least give you practice insofar as where to place your hands and nose during the actual kissing. No, the George Washington will not be able to open his metal mouth and start exploring your mouth with his tongue, so yes, you will have to use a little imagination. Plus, this could be your way of thanking the real George for all he gave us.
9. Your Smartphone. Yes, I know. None of my proposals so far gives you any practice making out with something you love. So far it’s all been either inanimate objects, or a nasty unlovable squid. But when you make out with a girl in real life, it’s usually because you love her–at least for the moment. So how can you get some practice kissing someone you love? Easy. Kiss your smartphone. You love it very much. You probably love it even more than any girl you’re ever going to make out with. So just go for it! Your smartphone can offer you no make-out benefits other than the whole love connection, but isn’t love all that matters in the end? If nothing else, you’ll end up giving the thing a good cleaning.
10. A Flip-book Featuring the Animation of a Mouth Slowly Opening and Extending its Tongue. And last but not least, I offer you an option to practice making out with a girl that really gives you a whole bunch of everything. Most of the practice-areas we’ve discussed in this piece can be found, in some degree, in this final option. The only one missing is the squid one, I think. Draw or purchase a flip-book that features the animation of a mouth opening and lashing out its tongue. Make out with it when the tongue starts to come out. You can practice your timing, you mouth placement, your tongue-flicker.
You will find the flip-book a visceral, exciting experience that offers you an acceptable degree of responsiveness. You can even flip the book in reverse to practice hiding your dejection when a girl finally retracts her tongue and ceases the make-out session in disgust.
For more practice making out with girls, click the link.