10 Household Items Guys Can Use to Practice Making Out With a Girl (Part 2)

squid

Making out with girls requires a variety of skills, all of which can be developed and honed by using simple items found around your house.

Welcome back all you struggling casanovas! Click here to revisit part 1. Today we complete our comprehensive list of 10 household items you can use to practice making out with a girl. Why settle for smooching your hand or kissing your reflection in the bathroom mirror when there are so many better ways to do it! True, you should only try the following methods at your own risk, but then again, making out with women is a risky proposition in the first place!

6. A Live Squid. Yes. I know. All of the options in Part 1 had one thing working against them: none of them can accurately recreate the feel of something alive thrashing about inside your mouth. That’s an important part of making out with a girl—the slimy and unpredictable tongue-churning. So for practice you can basically suck on a live squid. Make sure its pointed so that the tentacles are inside your mouth and squirming against your tongue. When you are done practicing, you can go ahead and eat the squid. Protein.

7. A Dust Buster. So far none of our options have address the “sucking” part of sucking face. Not that there’s a lot of sucking going on when making out with your partner, though. I’m not really sure where the whole sucking face thing came from in the first place. But just in case your one of those anal retentive “them’s the rules” sort of people, I wanted to give you a way to practice sucking face in a way that involves actual sucking, but you must only attempt this at your own risk!

Use a dust buster, plain and simple. Make sure you brush off all the cheerios, pubes, ants, and spiders that were caught up in the mouth of the dust buster, and then simply press your lips to its lips and get you some. While you’re doing this, click the thing on full suck mode.

8. A Metal Presidential Bust. Okay. okay. You have a point there. None of my proposals even comes close to recreating the feeling of interacting with a human head. Dust busters and pickle jars and oscillating desk fans all have their advantages, sure, but real girls tend to feature an actual full-sized human head, with all the associated nooks and crannies! So what you can do is go into your dad’s study and start making out with his pewter, life-size metal bust of President George Washington. Doesn’t matter your sexual preference. It’s just a bust. It’s not an actual person.

Last time I checked, a statue is not a human. And making out with a realistically proportioned presidential bust will at least give you practice insofar as where to place your hands and nose during the actual kissing. No, the George Washington will not be able to open his metal mouth and start exploring your mouth with his tongue, so yes, you will have to use a little imagination. Plus, this could be your way of thanking the real George for all he gave us.

9. Your Smartphone. Yes, I know. None of my proposals so far gives you any practice making out with something you love. So far it’s all been either inanimate objects, or a nasty unlovable squid. But when you make out with a girl in real life, it’s usually because you love her–at least for the moment. So how can you get some practice kissing someone you love? Easy. Kiss your smartphone. You love it very much. You probably love it even more than any girl you’re ever going to make out with. So just go for it! Your smartphone can offer you no make-out benefits other than the whole love connection, but isn’t love all that matters in the end? If nothing else, you’ll end up giving the thing a good cleaning.

10. A Flip-book Featuring the Animation of a Mouth Slowly Opening and Extending its Tongue. And last but not least, I offer you an option to practice making out with a girl that really gives you a whole bunch of everything. Most of the practice-areas we’ve discussed in this piece can be found, in some degree, in this final option. The only one missing is the squid one, I think. Draw or purchase a flip-book that features the animation of a mouth opening and lashing out its tongue. Make out with it when the tongue starts to come out. You can practice your timing, you mouth placement, your tongue-flicker.

You will find the flip-book a visceral, exciting experience that offers you an acceptable degree of responsiveness. You can even flip the book in reverse to practice hiding your dejection when a girl finally retracts her tongue and ceases the make-out session in disgust.

For more practice making out with girls, click the link.

 

 

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10 Common Items Guys Can Use to Practice Making Out With a Girl

picklejar

Terrible kisser? Don’t sweat it. There are plenty of everyday items around the house that you can use (at your own risk) to practice making out.

How to Make Out With a Girl: 10 Household Items With Which to Rehearse Sucking Face (Part 1)

Let’s face it. Not every guy knows how to make out with a girl. It’s not as easy as it looks. So much can go wrong: Errant tongue placement, unplanned tooth-raking, too much saliva, too little saliva. How is a regular fella supposed to keep track of this sort of thing? Why, you simply have to know what you’re doing is all. Practice makes perfect. I’m here to tell you 10 exciting new ways that you can practice the art of making out with a girl.

Attempt the following at your own risk!

1 A pickle jar with one pickle in it. This one seems pretty obvious, no? If you get your hands on a pickle jar with only one pickle inside it, you kinda have everything you need to recreate the experience of your lover’s mouth. You got the wetness (pickle juice), you got the gaping lips (the rim of the jaw), and you have the crude, flopping tongue (the pickle itself). Just unscrew the lid and go to town—you’ll be ready for the real thing before you know it! Wear a bib.

2. A bar of soap sculpted to look like a tongue. So I know what you’re thinking: a pickle isn’t quite shaped like an actual tongue. No problem! If accurate tongue-shape is important to you, just go grab a bar of Dove soap and, with a knife, carefully sculpt the soap to look like a tongue. If you are a good sculptor you will end up with a perfectly proportioned and textured Soap Tongue ready for use. Just sandwich it between your fingers and start making out with your fist. Don’t stop until you’ve reduced the Soap Tongue into a bitter, foamy lather.

3. A mousetrap. Yeah yeah yeah. I know what you’re going to say. The Soap Tongue was a sweet idea, but it doesn’t really do anything–there’s no sense of erotic suspense. How is that good practice making out when there’s no sexy thrill? It’s just a dumb piece of soap with zero responsiveness! Okay. Fine. If erotic suspense is your particular area of study, then you can take a classic Tom and Jerry-style mousetrap and start making out with that. Pretend the cube of cheese is the tongue. You’ll have to be very gentle or else you’ll spring the trap and clip your tongue. But that’s the point, no? Suspense? I got news for you: In real life a girl might  bite your tongue off at any point during the make out session. So get practicing!

4. An oscillating desk fan. Okay. I knew you were going to say that! A mousetrap is thrilling, yes, but it doesn’t really recreate the exciting motions of a lustfully flickering tongue. No problemo! If “lustful tongue-flicker” is what you’re after, then just grab the dusty desk fan, remove the protective grill, turn the thing on its lowest setting, and carefully press your tongue against the rotating fan blades. Watch out for your nose! And yes, this is very dangerous, so i must reiterate that you should only attempt this one at your own risk. But making out with a girl is risky in the first place, is it not? You risk getting mono. You risk getting beat up by her big brother. Kapeesh?

5. An electric toothbrush. Yep. I knew what you were going to say. The spinning blades of a desk fan provide a damn good approximation of an aggressive “make out” tongue-flicker, but the whole experience isn’t nearly intimate enough to serve as good practice making out with a girl. Most desk fans are way wider than a girl’s head, for instance. It’s like being in a NASA wind tunnel. Okay. Fair enough. So what you can do is grab an electric toothbrush (Oral B makes a good one), turn it on, put it in your mouth (sans toothpaste), and heck, just start making out with it. The vibration of the brush head will cause the thing to move all by itself in a serviceable approximation of a “sentient” tongue-flicker. It’ll have a mind of its own. You’ll get the impression your toothbrush is really into you!

Click the link for part 2 (More ways to practice making out with women)

 

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Zombie Planetfall: “Incident at the Fence”

Zombie Planetfall Alternative Cover

This week we premiered the new, alternative cover for “Zombie Planetfall.”

Perhaps you were wondering if there were actually any zombies in my zombie serial novel? Okay, yes, there were a few at the beginning, but since then it’s been a lot of radioactive hillbillies and feral children. Well folks, today is your lucky day. Head on over to “Zombie Planetfall” on Wattpad and there’ll be more than a few zombies (cadavers) waiting for you. There will be blood.

http://w.tt/1OeLKZK

 

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Zombie Apocalypse Serial Novel: The Bunker

bunker

The WW2-ear sub-basement bunker provides a fair bit of protection against the residual radiation that blankets the Earth. But that protection comes at a price…

After a week’s hiatus, my genre-blending zombie apocalypse serial novel is back. What do our astronaut friends think about the bizarre world of warring post-apocalyptic middle-schoolers in which they now find themselves? Do they regret ever coming to this place? Could they leave even if they wanted to?

Get the answers you crave by following the link below!

http://w.tt/1RgA7Ir

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Zombie Planetfall: “The Legend of Mr. Martin”

Jason Bieber

In this week’s installment of “Zombie Planetfall,” Post-apocalyptic gang leader Jason Bieber tells the astronauts the story of legendary Mr. Martin.

Head on over to Wattpad to check out the latest installment of my genre-blending zombie serial novel “Zombie Planetfall.” This week Jason Bieber tells us a bit about how the Children of Charles Grober Middle School have arrived at such a sorry state of affairs. Don’t miss it! http://w.tt/1Q4B3xP 

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Zombie Planetfall — The Children

desk-and-chairs-in-school

Can the Children be tamed, or will the astronauts’ venture into Charles Grober Middle School result in a prompt end-of-mission?

The latest chapter in my Zombie serial “Zombie Planetfall” is out now. Please check it out and give a vote if you like it! http://w.tt/1QAprnI

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Werewolves and Bieber

astronaut_in_hallway

Astronaut Allan Rowan exploring the cluttered hallways of Charles Grober Middle School.

This week in” Zombie Planetfall” our heroes discover that Charles Grober Middle School had once harbored a community of survivors fixated on romantic werewolf novels and Justin Bieber. But how could these survivors have possibly staved off radiation sickness long enough to develop such a rich and dynamic culture?

Click here to find out:  http://w.tt/1OLaOfb

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Zombie Planetfall: Breaking and Entering

broken_window_astronaut

Our astronaut friends into the zombie school.

Our heroes have finally found a way into the middle school, but what will they find inside? Middle school can be hell.

http://w.tt/1jVN38L

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Zombie Middle School

Grober School

Charles Grober Middle School

This week our Wattpad-based “Zombie Planetfall” heroes arrive at their new sanctuary, Charles Grober Middle School, where they hope to spend the few years of  life remaining to them (before  Earth’s radiation saturates their brains and turns them into cannibalistic “People”) in relative peace. But have they bitten off more than they can chew?

Click here to find out!

 

 

 

 

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Zombie Planetfall Chapter 4: Prelude to Massacre

zombie planetfall

Chapter 4: Prelude to Massacre

Chapter 4 of my serial zombie novel “Zombie Planetfall” is up on Wattpad. Things are about to get nasty for our astronaut friends. Who are the People? What qualities differentiate them from the lowly cadavers? Some of your questions will be answered in this suspenseful installment. Give it a read and please don’t forget to vote!

http://w.tt/1GazsPy

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